Letting Go...

This entry would seem like I have gone out of my mind and I am irrational. But I am not insane YET, however, on the verge of losing my sanity...

State of mind: Confused and Slightly depressed

Reason: I guess it is about time I learn to let all my high expectations go. I have been carrying loads of 'burden' and trying too hard to make everything around me go well. I have been stressing myself over many stuff that should be long ago forgotten. I have been making myself get all jittery over small matters that should left to God to decide, not me.
Well, I have to admit that this is my personality for being so emotionally attached to everyone, everything and every event that goes on around me. It is also my character to be so 痴情 and always hoping for the best to happen to me. I constantly brood over the smallest details of my life, so much until I suffer insomia just thinking of them. Sometimes, I even cry silently wondering why all the bad stuff are happening to me, why am I always the victim being hurt or harmed, why do I have to go through so much stuff? I have bottled up all these troubles and sadness for much too long. I seem to always been wishing for the impossible as well as expect too highly of myself and others.
I know it ain't gonna be easy to let go, it will take a while. Hopefully, I won't take too long either, I desperately need to find my true happiness in life again and enjoy it. I have been overwhelmed with sadness, unhappiness, anger and depression until I don't see that rainbow behind the dark skies.
I always tend to act as if I am a very cheerful, happy and care-free person but I am not. I may seem strong on the outside but deep down, I am hurting badly and a very emotionally weak person. I always wanted to carry all the troubles all by myself because I know no one would understand all my troubles and pain. If I let others know, they would say I worry too much and say I am crazy to brood over matters as trivia as a heartbreak that occured many years back. Guess I am too sensitive and prideful to be loser in life...

Troubles: Work, Family, Physical outlook, A relationship that traumatised me 8years ago, Health and Financial.

Wedding Poems

A marriage celebrates a new beginning:
A couple starting out as man and wife.
A shower celebrates a happy ending:
The last days of a woman's single life.
The wide world now has narrowed to a garden
In which I will my pleasures plant and reap.
The outlines of my character will harden
According to the promises I keep.
My joy will soon become a melody
In counterpoint to those for whom I care,
Seeking a profounder harmony
Than any I alone could know or bear.
So shall I find a greater grace within.
One life is over: Let the new begin


-------------------------------------------


Getting married means you'll have
Someone's hand to hold,
Even when you're feeling sick,
Even when you're old.

It means when you sit down to eat,
Someone will be there,
So you won't have to tell your day
To an empty chair.

It means that you can have some kids
Just like a mom and dad,
And play with them all afternoon,
Except when they are bad.

It means that when you need some help,
Someone will help out,
Someone always near to you
So you won't have to shout.

But best of all is when it's time
To turn out all the lights:
You won't have to be alone
Those long and scary nights.

So even though you don't have toys,
You don't have to care:
Once you're married you can be
Each other's teddy bear!

Issues...

Today, I have just been informed that I am being deployed (posted-out) to another ward. It would be a deployment of probably a few weeks or until that ward doesn't need me anymore or maybe until Ward 55A needs me back... In simple, INDEFINETE PERIOD.
I was called in to my SNM's (Senior Nursing Manager) office after work and was given this piece of news. I gladly accepted it but deep inside, I had mixed feelings.
Happy: I was getting a new change of environment and has a chance to take a breather from all the unhappy stuff in my current ward. I wouldn't want to mention but I was bad enough that I did have the idealisation of writing into the Forum Page of The Straits Times...
Sad: I wouldn't know how long I would be deployed to the new ward, which means that I would miss some of my colleagues... I was just getting myself pretty comfortable in my current ward and now I have to go. I was kind of informed in the last minute and didn't get to say my 'good-byes' to few of my colleagues.
Excited: I am going somewhere new. So I am excited about the new changes. Hopefully, this ward is a nice place to work in.
Worried: Not sure if this new ward would be stressful or worst than my previous 2 wards I have worked in.

2) It seems like few people around me are like sinking into depression. They seem pretty stressed out with their lives and I also don't really know what to say. The problems that face was what I faced few years back. On friendship, self-esteem, work-related and feeling kind of left out by peers. All I can say is that, no matter what happens, self-esteem is the most important and you should not let others' point of view get you down. It does not really matter what others think of you but more of how you view yourself. If you think you are good, you are good.
P.S: CW, if you reading this blog kindly know that if ever you need someone to talk to, you can always feel free to drop me a call or an email. I will try my very best to help you if I can, okie?

Tarot Cards

Recently, bought a pack of Lovers' Tarot Cards at Kinokuniya.

Somehow been influenced by my cousin, Fiona, to appreciate the 'mystical' way of finding answers to unresolved questions. It started when I was at her house awaiting her to get ready to go out to do a little shopping and was introduced to her pack of Tarot Cards. After 'playing' with her deck of Tarot Cards, I was pretty amazed that I was able to relate to the results of the Tarot Cards. Therefore, I bought myself a deck...

So far, I have read some information related to the usage, types (decks) and spreads. Of course, I have heard few myths regarding that Tarot Cards are like playing with the spirits of the dead, just like playing with Oujia Board, it has its own danger. How true? I am not too sure. But all I know is I am using my Tarots Cards to get through with many of my problems especially relating to relationship issues. I am also able to relate to the cards and its results better... I am also able to resolve many of my unsolved questions regarding the future. So how can the cards be evil in any sense?

Well, if the Tarot Card has its own form of spirits, then, may the spirit of the card protect and bless me from any form of harm. I also hope that the spirit would also avenge for me to those who had hurt me emotionally, mentally and physically in the past or attempts to harm me in the future.

For those who reads my blog, if you know any information regarding the beliefs of Tarot Cards, kindly drop me a message under my comments column and share with me your knowledge. Thanks.

Baby, You Are...

my sunny days,
my favourite high,
my port in a storm,
my sweetest gift,
my emotional lift,
my best friend
until the end,
my inspiration,
my destination,
ny shining light,
my day and night,
my heart healer,
my anger chiller,
my pain reliever,
my spring fever,
my gem so rare,
my answered prayer,
my heart and soul,
my life made whole,
my merry-go-round,
my 'up' when I'm down,
my best chance,
my last dance,
my best shot,
my sweet kumquat,
my energizer,
my appetizer,
my morning sun,
my evening fun,
my dancing partner,
my heart's gardener,
my source of laughter,
my everafter,
my heaven sent,
for whom I'm meant,
my burning desire,
my soul mate,
my sweet fate,
my dream lover,
my 'before all others',
my confidence,
my common sense,
my reason why
until I die.

Just in case you didn't know.



David L. Weatherford

Short And Sweet Poem

Across the years
I will walk with you-
in deep, green forests;
on shores of sand
and when our time
on earth is through
in heaven, too,
you will have
my hand

Robert Sexton

How Could You?

When I was a puppy I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" - but then you'd relent and roll me over for a bellyrub.

My housetraining took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed, listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs," you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.

Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love. She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" - still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy.

Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love." As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them, especially their touch - because your touch was now so infrequent - and I would have defended them with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams. Together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway.

There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being your dog to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.

Now you have a new career opportunity in another city and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family. I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog or cat, even one with "papers." You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a goodbye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too.

After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?" They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago.

At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you - that you had changed your mind - that this was all a bad dream...or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me. When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited.

I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table, rubbed my ears and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days.

As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood. She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?" Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself - a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place.

With my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not meant for her. It was you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of. I will think of you and wait for you forever. May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.