I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take
[Chorus]I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I knowI may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you
[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
[Chorus]I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
My ROM Dress
Today, I have finally found my ROM gown!!!
I went out with Geraldine today. Started the day by meeting her at Jurong East MRT. We headed to IMM and (wow!) IMM has changed from how I actually expected it to be like. IMM is like re-vamped from the one that I know 5 years back... Anyway, we wanted to go to IMM because there used to a level of bridal boutique, yes, one whole level of them. But now, it has been reduced to a mere 4 shops left. So pathetic!
Thus, we headed to Royal Selangor at Clarke Quay to see how pewter items were made. At first, I was unwilling to enter as I thought the shop was meant for those tai tais to shop and enter. However, since Geraldine was so eager and she is hardly eager to go somewhere. (Normally, she either has no idea where to go or she would be just go where I suggest). Hence, I knew this shop has to be good. Yes, this shop is impressive! We went on a $2 tour to show the history of how making of items out of pewter started, the items that was made from pewter and even had hands on trial to see how pewter cups were made just by hitting against a plain pewter cup many straight lines. As a souvenir for the tour, we were given a pewter coin each which costs $5 each. The next time I go there, I would very much like to try the workshop they have which involves making a pewter with my own hands. Anyone want to volunteer to go with me? Cost $30 per person.
After visiting the Royal Selangor, we were clueless of where to head to next, so we anyhow took a bus and landed up in Orchard, where we shopped for my ROM dress... So walked from Lido to Tangs and got stuck for a while as it was raining heavily. Then, we proceeded to Paragon where I found my ROM gown. However, I wasn't convinced that it was the best, so we proceeded to Takashimaya, which was closed for their D & D. Next stop was Daniel Yan at Wisma Atria. In the end, the one at Paragon was my final choice. The ones at Daniel Yan were nice but my bust too big, cannot fit. Hence, we headed back to Paragon to purchase the gown. It was on 20% discount, so it was cheaper than I thought.
After the dinner at Swensens, we walked down to Plaza Singapura where Geraldine bought her pocket saxophone. I had to plead with the store guy and the cashier to let her purchase the saxophone because by the time we arrived at the store, it was 5 mins past their closing time. Successful.
In conclusion, by the end of the day, I got what I wanted and she got what she wanted. Isn't that nice?
I went out with Geraldine today. Started the day by meeting her at Jurong East MRT. We headed to IMM and (wow!) IMM has changed from how I actually expected it to be like. IMM is like re-vamped from the one that I know 5 years back... Anyway, we wanted to go to IMM because there used to a level of bridal boutique, yes, one whole level of them. But now, it has been reduced to a mere 4 shops left. So pathetic!
Thus, we headed to Royal Selangor at Clarke Quay to see how pewter items were made. At first, I was unwilling to enter as I thought the shop was meant for those tai tais to shop and enter. However, since Geraldine was so eager and she is hardly eager to go somewhere. (Normally, she either has no idea where to go or she would be just go where I suggest). Hence, I knew this shop has to be good. Yes, this shop is impressive! We went on a $2 tour to show the history of how making of items out of pewter started, the items that was made from pewter and even had hands on trial to see how pewter cups were made just by hitting against a plain pewter cup many straight lines. As a souvenir for the tour, we were given a pewter coin each which costs $5 each. The next time I go there, I would very much like to try the workshop they have which involves making a pewter with my own hands. Anyone want to volunteer to go with me? Cost $30 per person.
After visiting the Royal Selangor, we were clueless of where to head to next, so we anyhow took a bus and landed up in Orchard, where we shopped for my ROM dress... So walked from Lido to Tangs and got stuck for a while as it was raining heavily. Then, we proceeded to Paragon where I found my ROM gown. However, I wasn't convinced that it was the best, so we proceeded to Takashimaya, which was closed for their D & D. Next stop was Daniel Yan at Wisma Atria. In the end, the one at Paragon was my final choice. The ones at Daniel Yan were nice but my bust too big, cannot fit. Hence, we headed back to Paragon to purchase the gown. It was on 20% discount, so it was cheaper than I thought.
After the dinner at Swensens, we walked down to Plaza Singapura where Geraldine bought her pocket saxophone. I had to plead with the store guy and the cashier to let her purchase the saxophone because by the time we arrived at the store, it was 5 mins past their closing time. Successful.
In conclusion, by the end of the day, I got what I wanted and she got what she wanted. Isn't that nice?
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Winnie The Pooh Re-vitalized
I just woke up from my sleep. Did my ND last night. Tonight one more night and I can have 3 days rest.
Poor Geraldine, did ND with me too but not at SGH, she was at East Coast Park being the chef for a night for some rich R.O.Med couple and their guests. Spoke to her over the phone a few times and she sounded very tired. Guess she ain't used to the night shift that why. When I did my first round of night as a junior staff nurse, I was also very tired, especially by 3am or 4am. But now, it is much better. At least I can survive until 5am or 6am...
Hmm, it is funny how some people can be so rich to book a row of chalet for their R.O.M celebration, hire a Sushi chef and hire chef to do the entire BBQ-ing of food, the whole night and even breakfast. Then, have their actual wedding on a cruise. So envious! I have always wanted a cruise wedding but I know that is kind of impossible as Jeff and I are not that wealthy to afford it. Think that I would be happy and contented with a decent hotel wedding reception as dinner and probably buffet for the post ROM celebration.
By the way, my Winnie The Pooh balloon has been re-vitalized. Long story on how I got it but anyway, I am happy that it is now back to its original shape and floating around on the ceiling...
Poor Geraldine, did ND with me too but not at SGH, she was at East Coast Park being the chef for a night for some rich R.O.Med couple and their guests. Spoke to her over the phone a few times and she sounded very tired. Guess she ain't used to the night shift that why. When I did my first round of night as a junior staff nurse, I was also very tired, especially by 3am or 4am. But now, it is much better. At least I can survive until 5am or 6am...
Hmm, it is funny how some people can be so rich to book a row of chalet for their R.O.M celebration, hire a Sushi chef and hire chef to do the entire BBQ-ing of food, the whole night and even breakfast. Then, have their actual wedding on a cruise. So envious! I have always wanted a cruise wedding but I know that is kind of impossible as Jeff and I are not that wealthy to afford it. Think that I would be happy and contented with a decent hotel wedding reception as dinner and probably buffet for the post ROM celebration.
By the way, my Winnie The Pooh balloon has been re-vitalized. Long story on how I got it but anyway, I am happy that it is now back to its original shape and floating around on the ceiling...
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Scary Day
Today, I felt I have done pretty meaningful and scary. I am not a counselor, have not gone through the counseling course like my dear, totally never tried being a counselor but yet could actually bring a close friend out of her extreme depression.
10am: I messaged her to see her online as I had always been doing every day since I was on HL and bored at home. So I spend my time chatting away with her and I truly enjoy every moment online, offline and face to face with her.
10.45am: Got her call that she was depressed and at Yishun Park. She sounded very upset and I had sort of guessed the reason for her sadness. I also know she has the potential to do something silly and I don't want to lose a close friend like her. Thus, I quickly changed and rushed out of the house of the house.
11.10pm: I reached her house instead to see her being slightly cheerful. Felt relieved. Played the piano and embarrassed myself. The pieces she played was totally nice and beautiful. She has already completed her Grade 8... Envious!
11.45pm: Suddenly, she turned depressed again. That was when she started tearing and telling me why she was guilty of her ex boyfriend's death. She even verbalized that she was being playful and wanted him to have a taste of what it is like waiting for someone but that was one of her greatest mistake as her boyfriend got knocked down by a lorry in the end and she even witnessed the event as she was hiding away from the scene.
12.30pm: She finally confessed to overdosing herself with Valium and Codeine. I shan't say the amount but all I can say the amount is a lot, good enough to kill or cause death. She started feeling very giddy and sleepy. Somehow, I was actually very angry with her but I knew it was useless to scold her. So before she fell asleep, I advised her to one day try to counter her fears by facing the place once again. Soon, after mumbling inaudible words, she fell asleep...
2pm: She woke up still giddy but asked me if I could face her fears with her. I agreed. So we left her house and walked to the accident scene. Could sense her fear and uneasiness. I could understand. However, I was not really ready to react if she decided to do anything silly. Thank God she didn't!
2.30pm: Boarded the bus. During the bus ride, she attempted to jump off the bus by trying to open the emergency exit door. Gave me a scare! Luckily, she didn't! But I was really very annoyed at her for still being so rash and think of taking her life as unimportant. In my heart, I was already trying to relieve her of the sadness and yet she want to hurt me by attempting to do something foolish. (Anyway, I was also not in a good mood as I had quarreled with my father yesterday.)
4pm: Ended up at Bukit Merah. She slept nearly throughout the bus journey.
I shall stop here as the rest of day was unremarkable... Nothing drastic happened. I was also glad that I managed to cheer up and divert her sad thoughts. At the same time, I started missing my dear, I just felt thankful that even my previous love life wasn't a success with the other of my ex boyfriends but I managed to get a guy who loves me a lot and treasures me...
Okie, back to reality! Tomorrow is my night duty... Back to work after a week's of rest...
10am: I messaged her to see her online as I had always been doing every day since I was on HL and bored at home. So I spend my time chatting away with her and I truly enjoy every moment online, offline and face to face with her.
10.45am: Got her call that she was depressed and at Yishun Park. She sounded very upset and I had sort of guessed the reason for her sadness. I also know she has the potential to do something silly and I don't want to lose a close friend like her. Thus, I quickly changed and rushed out of the house of the house.
11.10pm: I reached her house instead to see her being slightly cheerful. Felt relieved. Played the piano and embarrassed myself. The pieces she played was totally nice and beautiful. She has already completed her Grade 8... Envious!
11.45pm: Suddenly, she turned depressed again. That was when she started tearing and telling me why she was guilty of her ex boyfriend's death. She even verbalized that she was being playful and wanted him to have a taste of what it is like waiting for someone but that was one of her greatest mistake as her boyfriend got knocked down by a lorry in the end and she even witnessed the event as she was hiding away from the scene.
12.30pm: She finally confessed to overdosing herself with Valium and Codeine. I shan't say the amount but all I can say the amount is a lot, good enough to kill or cause death. She started feeling very giddy and sleepy. Somehow, I was actually very angry with her but I knew it was useless to scold her. So before she fell asleep, I advised her to one day try to counter her fears by facing the place once again. Soon, after mumbling inaudible words, she fell asleep...
2pm: She woke up still giddy but asked me if I could face her fears with her. I agreed. So we left her house and walked to the accident scene. Could sense her fear and uneasiness. I could understand. However, I was not really ready to react if she decided to do anything silly. Thank God she didn't!
2.30pm: Boarded the bus. During the bus ride, she attempted to jump off the bus by trying to open the emergency exit door. Gave me a scare! Luckily, she didn't! But I was really very annoyed at her for still being so rash and think of taking her life as unimportant. In my heart, I was already trying to relieve her of the sadness and yet she want to hurt me by attempting to do something foolish. (Anyway, I was also not in a good mood as I had quarreled with my father yesterday.)
4pm: Ended up at Bukit Merah. She slept nearly throughout the bus journey.
I shall stop here as the rest of day was unremarkable... Nothing drastic happened. I was also glad that I managed to cheer up and divert her sad thoughts. At the same time, I started missing my dear, I just felt thankful that even my previous love life wasn't a success with the other of my ex boyfriends but I managed to get a guy who loves me a lot and treasures me...
Okie, back to reality! Tomorrow is my night duty... Back to work after a week's of rest...
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Vatican Collection
Went to the Vatican Collection with Geraldine today...
Started the day by meeting up with her at City Hall MRT at 2pm. Then, we walked from City Hall to Empress Place. The sun was blazing hot and those who know me well will know I totally can't stand heat especially when I don't intend to sun-tan or be at a beach... Anyway, we walked for nearly 20 mins before reaching the place. The air-con of the place was inviting and gave me a sense of achievement for enduring that 20 mins of sunlight + UV rays.
Actually, this is the second time I am visiting the Vatican Collection but I was still kind of excited because I am bringing someone there.. a close friend whom I could feel free to comment, give lame jokes, talk total crap and she will still listen as well as laugh along with me.
So, yeah, we walked around the exhibits and commented on the artefacts and display pictures until we ended up debating about the Holy Trinity and who is the 'main character' in the Holy Trinity. Came up lots of analogies from coffee, cream and sugar to bubble tea with the sugar syrup and 'pearls'... Anyway, the debate ended when we decided to the just drop the subject for the time-being while we have read up our bible to get the answer.
Continued our journey to Esplanade, walked (yes, under the hot sun again) back to Esplanade, went to the library to find her cook book to no avail. *Sigh* She must be so disappointed again... By the way, I saw few R.O.M-ed couples and was kind of envious of their happy day 'cause my is still so far away. Seeing their blissful look of fresh marriage happiness just made me even more anxious for my turn to come... Wonder if Jeff and I would have the same smile of contentment and happiness on our R.O.M day??
Ate Oxtail Stew at Suntec and walked around for a while before deciding to head home. Suddenly, Geraldine had this excrutiating pain at her operation site, that was when I felt kind of guilty for bringing her so far and making her walk the long distance from our outing. I knew she had this knee problem and yet, I was selfish to make her walk with me just to save money on cab fare. Tried my best to make her feel better but from her facial expression and coldness of her peripheral limbs, I knew she was in great pain... All my fault! I know she may not blame me but I still feel kind of guilty.
Anyway, here I am back home with Jeff. He is asleep now after watch the VCD of 'Young and Dangerous Part 6'. Nice but violent show, that is why it is either NC 16 or M 18... I am also going to sleep soon as my left polycystic ovary is hurting me again and the analgesia makes me kind of drowsy and having cardiac palpitations... Nitez!
Started the day by meeting up with her at City Hall MRT at 2pm. Then, we walked from City Hall to Empress Place. The sun was blazing hot and those who know me well will know I totally can't stand heat especially when I don't intend to sun-tan or be at a beach... Anyway, we walked for nearly 20 mins before reaching the place. The air-con of the place was inviting and gave me a sense of achievement for enduring that 20 mins of sunlight + UV rays.
Actually, this is the second time I am visiting the Vatican Collection but I was still kind of excited because I am bringing someone there.. a close friend whom I could feel free to comment, give lame jokes, talk total crap and she will still listen as well as laugh along with me.
So, yeah, we walked around the exhibits and commented on the artefacts and display pictures until we ended up debating about the Holy Trinity and who is the 'main character' in the Holy Trinity. Came up lots of analogies from coffee, cream and sugar to bubble tea with the sugar syrup and 'pearls'... Anyway, the debate ended when we decided to the just drop the subject for the time-being while we have read up our bible to get the answer.
Continued our journey to Esplanade, walked (yes, under the hot sun again) back to Esplanade, went to the library to find her cook book to no avail. *Sigh* She must be so disappointed again... By the way, I saw few R.O.M-ed couples and was kind of envious of their happy day 'cause my is still so far away. Seeing their blissful look of fresh marriage happiness just made me even more anxious for my turn to come... Wonder if Jeff and I would have the same smile of contentment and happiness on our R.O.M day??
Ate Oxtail Stew at Suntec and walked around for a while before deciding to head home. Suddenly, Geraldine had this excrutiating pain at her operation site, that was when I felt kind of guilty for bringing her so far and making her walk the long distance from our outing. I knew she had this knee problem and yet, I was selfish to make her walk with me just to save money on cab fare. Tried my best to make her feel better but from her facial expression and coldness of her peripheral limbs, I knew she was in great pain... All my fault! I know she may not blame me but I still feel kind of guilty.
Anyway, here I am back home with Jeff. He is asleep now after watch the VCD of 'Young and Dangerous Part 6'. Nice but violent show, that is why it is either NC 16 or M 18... I am also going to sleep soon as my left polycystic ovary is hurting me again and the analgesia makes me kind of drowsy and having cardiac palpitations... Nitez!
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Hospitalized Again
I was hospitalized again. This time at KKH for Polycystic Ovary... My pain score as ranging from 4-6. Got admitted at around 4am after I yelled at a doctor for being so unprofessional by
making a stupid remark saying that I don't look like I was in much pain just because and didn't scream or grimace when he pressed onto the spot which I verbalized that was painful.
Anyway, yeah, I was admitted for 3 days and even the consultant didn't know what to do with me as I have already taken all the types of strong analgesia without any effect on me. The ultrasound shows no signs of large ovarian mass. Thus, it is weird that I am feeling this pain and discomfort.
Been given HL until the 21 Sept 2005 and I would be doing my night shift on the the 22 Sept. Need to earn that money... Hospitalization bill would amount up to $3k as I stayed in the 'A' class setting.
One more thing, from this hospitalization I managed to find a nice friend who was willing to spend the whole day with me in the hospital without any obligations. She even blogged down her anxiety for me on her blog. Feel so touched...
True friends are really hard to come by and I really treasure every friendship I have with my close friends... :)
making a stupid remark saying that I don't look like I was in much pain just because and didn't scream or grimace when he pressed onto the spot which I verbalized that was painful.
Anyway, yeah, I was admitted for 3 days and even the consultant didn't know what to do with me as I have already taken all the types of strong analgesia without any effect on me. The ultrasound shows no signs of large ovarian mass. Thus, it is weird that I am feeling this pain and discomfort.
Been given HL until the 21 Sept 2005 and I would be doing my night shift on the the 22 Sept. Need to earn that money... Hospitalization bill would amount up to $3k as I stayed in the 'A' class setting.
One more thing, from this hospitalization I managed to find a nice friend who was willing to spend the whole day with me in the hospital without any obligations. She even blogged down her anxiety for me on her blog. Feel so touched...
True friends are really hard to come by and I really treasure every friendship I have with my close friends... :)
Saturday, September 10, 2005
I Am Engaged...
Today is the 5 Years and 4 Months anniversary... And also a special day.
HE PROPOSED!
Yeah, I am no longer free but attached... I am engaged and I am his fiancee now. In a sense, waited for this day quite long already.
We went to eat at Suntec's Tony Roma, shopped around for the Topaz ring and went home after looking at some wedding gown exhibits. It sounds like I had it coming but I wasn't really prepared for it to be so soon. I was actually expecting it maybe next week or later in the month.
Anyway, he proposed when we came back home, while we were in his room. However, there were not flowers. Thus, I rejected him and that made him run out of the house still in his business suit with slippers.
15mins later, he returned with the bouquet of roses and proposed one more time... I agreed! What more can I ask for? A guy being so 'desperate' to make me his fiancee until he can be bothered to run out of the house and come back panting for his breath. Okie, he passed! I am officially engaged! What more can I say... I am lost for words.
So.. yeah, I am one more step furthur into the R.O.M plan... I feel like on cloud nine still...
HE PROPOSED!
Yeah, I am no longer free but attached... I am engaged and I am his fiancee now. In a sense, waited for this day quite long already.
We went to eat at Suntec's Tony Roma, shopped around for the Topaz ring and went home after looking at some wedding gown exhibits. It sounds like I had it coming but I wasn't really prepared for it to be so soon. I was actually expecting it maybe next week or later in the month.
Anyway, he proposed when we came back home, while we were in his room. However, there were not flowers. Thus, I rejected him and that made him run out of the house still in his business suit with slippers.
15mins later, he returned with the bouquet of roses and proposed one more time... I agreed! What more can I ask for? A guy being so 'desperate' to make me his fiancee until he can be bothered to run out of the house and come back panting for his breath. Okie, he passed! I am officially engaged! What more can I say... I am lost for words.
So.. yeah, I am one more step furthur into the R.O.M plan... I feel like on cloud nine still...
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Finally...
I am finally having 2 days off after working 8 days with 3 consecutive days of morning shift. Sounds easy, right? 3 days of morning shift only... But to me, it was a very tiring and difficult task.
Firstly, I am not a morning person and I normally don't wake up until around 10am. Thus, waking up 5am in the morning is very stressful for me.
Secondly, I usually don't sleep early and even if I do, I can't sleep until around 12mn. That means, I only get 5 hours of sleep per day for the past 3 days.
Lastly, morning shift is always the busiest shift of the day with lots of things to be done.
Anyway, that is all over (for now)! Time to enjoy myself with the 2 days off... Friday spend my day celebrating my cousin's birthday and Saturday celebrating my 5 years and 4 months anniversary with my Dear. He is going to treat me to Tony Roma, a meal I have been waiting for a long time. Actually, he promised to give me a treat with his first pay since May, so now that he has got his pay, he HAS to treat me and keep his promise. LOL.
Okie, need to go out and meet my friend to collect her specialty for Dear's dad. By the way, people if you need a cake for any occasion, just let me know, I will intro you to my friend, she is a great cake baker... Hee hee...
Firstly, I am not a morning person and I normally don't wake up until around 10am. Thus, waking up 5am in the morning is very stressful for me.
Secondly, I usually don't sleep early and even if I do, I can't sleep until around 12mn. That means, I only get 5 hours of sleep per day for the past 3 days.
Lastly, morning shift is always the busiest shift of the day with lots of things to be done.
Anyway, that is all over (for now)! Time to enjoy myself with the 2 days off... Friday spend my day celebrating my cousin's birthday and Saturday celebrating my 5 years and 4 months anniversary with my Dear. He is going to treat me to Tony Roma, a meal I have been waiting for a long time. Actually, he promised to give me a treat with his first pay since May, so now that he has got his pay, he HAS to treat me and keep his promise. LOL.
Okie, need to go out and meet my friend to collect her specialty for Dear's dad. By the way, people if you need a cake for any occasion, just let me know, I will intro you to my friend, she is a great cake baker... Hee hee...
Sunday, September 04, 2005
A Poem...
This is a poem that I found on someone's blog, which I feel that I can relate to. It is not about my BGR but more directed towards my mum. Those close to me will know about it.
I never thought I'd see this day
I never thought I'd feel this way
You...behave like a stranger to me now.
I cannot accept such behaviour...
You...will need some reflection.
I will grow stronger as days goes by.
You...will realize the truth someday.
I hope one day I can forgive you...
If only someone can knock some sense into you.
I am waiting for that very day...
with normal feelings...
with no expectations at all...
cause you...are the cause of everything.
I never thought I'd see this day
I never thought I'd feel this way
You...behave like a stranger to me now.
I cannot accept such behaviour...
You...will need some reflection.
I will grow stronger as days goes by.
You...will realize the truth someday.
I hope one day I can forgive you...
If only someone can knock some sense into you.
I am waiting for that very day...
with normal feelings...
with no expectations at all...
cause you...are the cause of everything.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
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