Just The Way You Are

Don't go changing to try and please me,
You never let me down before.
And don't imagine you're too familiar,
And I don't see you anymore.

I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble,
We never could have come this far.
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times,
I'll take you just the way you are.

Don't go trying some new fashion.
Don't change the color of your hair.
You always have my unspoken passion,
Although I might not seem to care.

I don't want clever conversation,
I never want to work that hard.
I just want someone that I can talk to,
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be,
The same old someone that I knew.
What will it take till you believe in me,
The way that I believe in you?

I said I love you and that's forever,
And this I promise from the heart.
I could not love you any better,
I love you just the way you are.

I don't want clever conversation,
I never want to work that hard.
I just want someone that I can talk to,
I want you just the way you are.

I said I love you and that's forever,
And this I promise from the heart.
I could not love you any better,
I love you just the way you are.


I miss my old Baku who used to fetch me after work when I am do my PM shifts and accompany once in the while for breakfast when I am on AM shift. I miss my old Baku who had spoilt me rotten. Well, guess he has matured and has old grown all those sweet moments, thus, it is also time me to mature too and get used to it. *sigh* Afterall, we are coming to 24 and 28 years old, so, it is time we out-grow those sweet moments of young lovers.
As long as his heart stays to the true to me forever, I should be contented but I will always be a woman who needs constant reassurance and love... *sigh* Not sure if he will understands it and stop thinking that I don't trust me or that I am attention seeking...

Last Post Deleted

My last post dated 27/03/2007 was deleted as I feel I was blogging with an extremely depressed mind set and had caused a lot of misunderstandings for those who cared for me. Thanks to those who called and sms-ed me (you know you who people are), thanks for the concern... Really do appreciate it.
Anyway, we had a good chat and realized the problems that lies between us and our marriage. We had already figured out what went wrong and we will fight together as a couple to overcome this hurdle together... Hopefully, the ending would be good and not just a temporary illusion again.
Praying that God would give us strength to overcome this hurdle...

Slight Glimpse Of Rainbow

These 3 days, I could feel the difference in Baku's behaviour towards me. At least, I can see him putting in the effort to be nicer and trying to reconcile with me. Although, the actions seems small but it means a lot of difference to me. His hugs, kisses, holding hands and patience towards me had returned.

Not sure, if does read my blog, especially my entry on Thursday, as that was the day his coldness towards me has melted and I had felt his warmth. Thank God...

However, he is still unwilling to discuss any wedding plans yet. Nevertheless, I feel comforted that I am not losing him. Hopefully, he would fully return to his old self soon and we can start wedding plans...

I really do want to spend the rest of life, basking his love and loving him back...

Anyway, my place is under-going major renovations and my room would have a new queen size bed. Hopefully, the new renovations would improve the feng shui for the whole family. Hopefully, the new queen size will serve its purpose... For Baku and me... Guess it is my parents' way of giving their well-wishes, blessings to us as well as our marriage and showing that they had accepted the fact that I have found the right guy whom I would love for the rest of my life, spending the rest of my days with him and 'serving' him till the day I die.

Why?

Been a while since I blogged, all thanks to my 'kaput' of my home computer and I am totally not used to a lappie without a mouse, Baku's computer also has no internet connection due to some errors in connections.
Anyway, I feel my relationship with Baku is still like a roller-coaster ride. He has his drastic mood swing, which I am trying my ultimate best to accommodate him. I am also trying hard to understand his frustrations at work and studies, not to forget he was unwell for the past few days. But I still feel very vexed that our relationship has not returned to the same level of blissfulness that I used to experience. All that manja-ness, fun, joking around, sweet cuddles and kisses are all gone.
I was speaking to parents on Monday night that our wedding may be postponed and their immediate reaction was to ask me if Jeff was the one having second thoughts. I was pretty hurt by their comments and it had set me wondering...
1) Why must the fault be with me?
2) Why can't I be the one having second thoughts?
3) Why is it the victim of the failed marriage is me?
4) Am I that bad that even my parents has to say that Jeff is the one who has second thoughts?
5) Why can't I be like other married couples and enjoy a happy married life?
6) Why do he have to changed so drastically until even his mum has given up advising him?
7) Am I really that unworthy to love, to cherish, to hold and to go through thick and thin, for sick and for poor, until the day we die?
I believed that ever since I had met Jeff, I have already changed my character, attitude was well as my personality for the better. I also firmly feel that I am a much better person compared to when I was 16 years old. I have learnt to mature over these years. I have reduced my possessiveness with Jeff.
I agree that I did something extremely foolish years ago, but now that matter has been settled and my marriage is greatly affected by it. I really can't comprehend, before my ROM, you knew of such folly and yet you were willing to accept it. After ROM, I have been very faithful and 'loyal' towards him but yet, I am suffering from such failure. He blames it on his mental status, he say that he feels mentally unstable, however, it ain't fair for me. He can't ventilate his anger on me, expect me to take it, pretend as if it doesn't hurt me when he pushes me aside whenever he deems fit and behaves like we are strangers rather than a married couple.
I really don't wish for us to head for a divorce, not because I am prideful on what my parents may say but because I really love you and don't wish to end our relationship in such a depressing way...
We also don't talk as we used to, whenever he or I call each other, we seem like we have nothing much to say to each other. The call ends within 3mins. *sigh*
I really miss those sweet times we had shared before. I really wish we could go back to those fond times soon. However, I guess it wouldn't happen again... Damn't!

3 Days To Go...

Finally, on friday night, Baku's mum found out about the strain in our relationship. She was very upset and angry with Baku for being so temperamental as well as being so unfair towards me recently. She gave him a good lecture and luckily it did help a bit. At least, I felt I have ventilated my frustrations that I had bottled up for the past 1+ week. I feel that after the long lecture from his mum, Baku kind of 'woke' up, although he is still a bit temperamental however, it is better than the previous 1+ week. The result of everything is that we would try again to salvage this relationship and try to get back his old self again. We may even shift the wedding date to 10 May 2009 instead to lesser his financial stress.
I also finally caved in to my illness and took 2 days MC. Seem better today after 2 days of adequate rest. Hopefully, after my this illness I would not fall sick any more the rest of the year. This is like major illness to me as it lasted for over a week. So xin ku...
Celebrated my dad's birthday last night with dinner at White Sands and dessert at Ben's & Jerry. After that, Baku and I proceeded to watch 'Haunted School' at Century Square. The show wasn't even scary and had a poor plot compared to those Korean or Japanese horror shows. However, I was happy that Baku and I spend some time to de-stress after so long. He even stayed over my place last night. Good sign! But, I am not going to be so confident until we have regained the same blissful feeling of being loved, cared for and cherished by him. Wait until he has managed to return to the old him, then would I be truly happy and confident of the relationship and marriage...

6 Days More...

1) Going on MC tomorrow, finally buay tahan and need a day off from work... Coughing for the past 1 week. Doctor said I have accumulated some pus behind my ear drum that is why my left ear is kind of blocked.
2) E-filed my income tax for the year of 2006. Doubt that I need to pay income tax this year as my total income for 2006 was below the 22k mark.
3) So far my progress with Baku is like a roller-coaster ride. One moment ok then next moment his temper over-takes him and he bursts out in anger. I have a hard time keeping up with his drastic changes in temper. Nevermind, 6 days more and he better give me a good answer...
4) CW called me last night and poor her... I wish I was there to defend her and be there for her to lend her my shoulders to cry on. Poor girl... That is the down-side of love. Wonder why people around me, especially those close to me are all suffering from heart-breaks and unhappiness related to love. Must be we, piglets have 'fan tai shui' for this year.

Ear Infection + Throat Infection

1) Went to see a doctor and was told that I am seriously under invasion of bacteria, germs and virus. Diagnosed with sore throat, bad flu, cough and otitis media (middle ear infection).
2) Worked by a$$ off today. Not sure why these days I tend to screw up with the treadmill machine. Yesterday and today like totally have no 'link' with it, like eight characters mis-match. Didn't encounter problems with before.
3) Company under-going massive stock taking, thus, everyday must count and count...
4) Bought myself a Bonia wallet which cost around 100 bucks to cheer myself up. Been a long time since I bought myself a wallet already. Maybe around 2 years. The new wallet did lift my mood a little higher.
5) Official countdown: Baku has another 7 days to clear his thoughts... Wonder what the results would be and whether he would revert back to his old cheerful self. *Sigh* His mood are so unpredictable these days, same like Singapore weather...

9 Days Left

1) Busy day at work although managed to dismiss early
2) Morning shift tomorrow
3) Stayed over at Baku's place last night
4) His mum suspected something fishy going on between Baku and me but I reassured her that we are fine... I lied.
5) Hopefully by 21 March 2007, I would be able to get the answer of truth from him although I know the truth would hurt.
6) Wishing that he would be back to his old self, as loving, jovial and doting towards me as well as a carry on smoothly with our wedding plans if he had made the decision to carry on the relationship with me.
7) Really miss his old self... *Sigh*

Day 4

1) Busy day at work... Chaotic!
2) Met up with him at P.S and had Cafe Cartel for late lunch
3) Walked around and went back at around 5+pm
4) So freaking tired and napped for around 3hrs.
5) Evaluation of the day: I feel like we had de-graded from a married couple to like pa-toh couple. Not sure if it is a good sign or not.
6) Feel that this blog does serve a good purpose for ventilation as well as a means of pouring out my heart-felt thoughts.
7) Still coughing... maybe kanna PTB liao. Need isolation. Choy!

Day 3

1) Met up with him and had an arguement again.
2) After the arguement managed to calm down and let him say his peace.
3) So blardy upset and disappointed that he needed more time to get himself back to normal.
4) Went out dinner with him, my treat!
5) Thereafter, spent time with Kyreen and what do you expect when you get two heart-broken females K-boxing? Sad love songs and tears... *sigh* Love does hurt...

10 March 2007: Happy 10mths ROM anniversary to myself. Guess he has either forgotten it or he just can't be bothered anymore afterall, he says he needs time to consider and get back his own self back. Thus, he won't be bothered about such love-dovey details.

Day 2

1) Cough better but kind of feeling that I am getting tonsillitis
2) Work was busy
3) He called and we chatted like friends. He said he read my blog...
4) I feel like we are more like close friends than married couple. Don't even know if it is supposed to be good or bad.
5) Was kind of disappointed with myself for having my hopes held too high that he would come pick me up after work
6) Maybe meeting up with him tomorrow for a movie. Wonder how the day would go and if we would really meet up.
7) Kind of pessimisstic as the day goes by that I am going to be heart-broken by the end of the 14 days of time-out
8) I am such a failure when it comes to love matters
9) Everyone around me can't seem to cheer me up
10) I am living my day by day with a fake front, pretending that I am not affected by this time-out but deep down I am dreading it and hating it.

Day 1

1) Do miss him but 'dare' not call or sms him (so lang bei)
2) Comforted that at least he did call to ask about my fever and sore throat
3) Felt better that my fever subsided and sore throat improved. However, cough worsen...
4) Learnt more about IPLs, Micro-diamond abrasion and usage of the dermatological machine.
5) Worried about him going out Daniel to drink again. (bad for his health)
6) Feel like I am losing control of him
7) Feel like I am losing him
8) Had fun with Kyreen after work
9) Uncertain of the future of my marriage (haiz...)
10) Wish that certains things didn't crop up to make me lose him... (kek sim)

Slightly Relieved

Yesterday, few stuff had made my mood slight elevated:
1) I manage to dig out a big stone out of my heart, had to toughen up my courage to face the issue and thankfully, managed to tackle a problem that should have been tackled 2-3 years back. It was my then immatured thinking that had stopped me from tackling it. Anyway, finally it has been resolved. Hopefully, no one would ever bring it again or attempt to open this history again.
2) Sharon had gave me my confirmation that I had passed my probation. She was even 'impresssed' with my effort to carry out what she needed me to do in order to be confirmed.
3) With my confirmation, came a pay rise of SGD 150. However, please don't get jealous of me, as my pay is still less than 2k. So well, no need to be so envious.
4) Baku and I had a good talk last night after nearly 1 week of daily dose of angry words thrown at each other, with no arguements or quarrelling. Maybe because of my sore throat that I had no mood to fight back much. Also partially, I decided to let him say his peace so that I could understand his struggles as well as troubles. Let him ventilate it all out instead of bottling it up. Guess, he needs it. Anyway, I have agreed to his conditions of time-out for the next 2weeks.
5) Had a fever of 38 degrees last night which lasted until 4am this morning, as I was at Baku's place, he did his part to give me Panadol and made sure I was alright. From his various actions of concern, I am kind of relieved that he still bothers about my well-being. At least, I can comfort myself that he still has feelings for me.

There was a major earthquake yesterday in Sumatra that affected Singapore too. From the news, few areas in Singapore felt the tremors of the earthquake. The death toll of Sumatra is also raising. It may sound like it is none of my concern since the death is in Sumatra and that no one was hurt in Singapore. However, I beg to differ as in my opinion it is perhaps God's way of reminding us to treasure the ones around us especially those you love so dearly. It can also be God reminding that He would be taking this earth back as there are too many inhumane things happening: terrorism, wars, suicidal bombings, etc...

Sunshine Far Away

The ray of sunshine is so bleak
No genuine smile on my face these days
Waking up everyday to see dark gloomy clouds
However, still pretending I am in high spirits
Need to clear some mess
Hopefully after it has been cleared for good, life would be better

Tears Of Sadness

Cried myself to sleep last night. Heart aching sadness. Despaired and helpless... Wonder how long will this episode last. It is only Day 1.
How many more sleepless lonely will I have to bear?
I have to force myself to happy. But deep down I am so depressed...
Self destruction and blood seems so tempting to me, but no, I have to more matured. No more childish thoughts. But how can I be strong when I am weak by nature...
Painful. Shattered.

Pix Up Finally

Ok, finally back at Baku's place after a long weekend stay over at my own home. Met up with my darling 2 sisters over the weekend and had a good chat with CW. Witnessed as well as heard the love story of my youngest 'mei', Vanessa with Pengli. Their passion was overwhelming making CW and me so envious, jealous and of course, we also feel very glad for Vanessa. At last, she has found her that someone to melt her heart. Still fondly remember her back in TPSS saying that she would never find a bf, how she would never fall in love, how she would prefer single-hood much more than being attached and married. However, looking at her now, I just feel so happy for her. Pengli better not let her down, otherwise... CW and I will whack him on her behalf. Anyway, I doubt he would, he looks and seems pretty genuine about her. Moreover, I trust Vanessa's taste in choosing her Mr Right. Courtship is always sweet and romantic. Hopefully, they would remain so deeply in love forever and ever.
After Vanessa left with Pengli, CW and I sat down at Cafe Cartel for drink. Chatted and gossipped about Vanessa. Haha, recalling all those fond memories of TPSS. Those days when we were all 16 years old, wondering what our future would be like, fighting to fulfill our dreams and working towards our own career paths. But, look at us now! 8 years later... Growing older but friendship still as strong. (3 Cheers to our friendship and many more decades to come!)
Uploaded the pictures of our dinner date for that night at my Multiply webby... Do check it out when you are free.