BCLS...

My hard earned BCLS certificate. Waited nearly a month before receiving it...

MeaNinGFuL Lyrics.. CuRRent MoOd...

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But Ive got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

I won't give up, I won't give in.

I can't recreate what just might have been.

I know that my heart is broken in two.

Now is the time to begin.
Roll away the chains.

Let love fly away.

Till love comes again,

I'll be okay.
Can't hold on forever baby,

Can't hold on forever baby,

Can't hold on forever baby,

I'll be okay.

PS: Goodbye Isabel and all the best to you in Brisbane!

Life...

My mood and marriage life for the past 7 months has been like...
a) a long, dreaded roller coaster ride (at times fun and enjoyable yet at times upsetting as well as depressing.)
b) share/stock market (sky high profit but can also drop dead low without warning.)
Wonder when will all these will resolve...

Significant events this week:
Monday- had a tiff yet again with him. I am too tired and upset to elaborate any furthur. (Don't want to rake up the past anymore to spoil my weekend mood.)
Tuesday- went to see a breast doctor (found a breast lump last week) and was told it is most likely fibroadnenoma. May need surgery.
Thursday- did my skit audition with my colleagues for the Quality Service Week to be held in KK on the 10 Oct but guess we didn't get through the auditions as we didn't receive any good news thereafter.
Friday- got commented by a patient's idiotic husband that I am fat and the reason being is that I enjoy sitting at the desk in my chemotherapy. He made that comment because I attended his wife when the terumo pump was beeping, indicating that her chemotherapy has ended. But I was sitting at the desk as I was writing my casenotes and preparing to send the casenotes to be send to another department via porter. Thus, I was sitting down arranging to all these. Then, he said I was growing fatter and asked me to exercise more as he thinks I had put on weight since he last saw me which was last months (in fact, I lost 1 kg recently). So pissed off.

Anyway, I am happy for my mei-mei in Australia that she seems happier now and she even became her own radio DJ. Haha, congrats!

Pondering Question...

Amelia: Do you find me pretty?
Jeff: So-so.
Amelia: Then why did you fall in love with me in the first place?
Jeff: It is the past and I don't want to mention it anymore.
Amelia: Eh? Why? You regret is it?
Jeff: No. Just that I don't feel like mentioning the past anymore.
Amelia: *speechless*

Q1) what does he mean when he says that he doesn't want to mention the past anymore?
Q2) does he really regret being with me and marrying me? (i don't wish to know the answer for the fear that the truth would hurt.)
Q3) is it a mistake that he made to have married me and be my husband?

These few days, just when things looked a bit better for the both of us, this has to pop up. It was just a casual question posted by me to him and his answer has left me pondering...
Anyway, I passed my probation and got my confirmation appraisal today. Hope to reach my next goal of being able to furthur studies being fully sponsored soon...

He Remembered...

Finally after so long, he remembers that it was our anniversary. Been a long time since he has given me an anniversary hug to wish me 'Happy X Months Anniversary'. Haiz... for once after so long I have felt this warm and blissful feeling...
Today, also marks the last day of the Hungry Ghost Festival. Kind of a relief for me as my MIL had told me that during this Hungry Ghost month, my luck would be the worst and all kinds of bad stuff will likely happen to me. (All thanks to my birth year of the pig.) So far, I have already gone through lots of unhappy stuff since the start the Pig year (according to the lunar calendar) and I have survived the 7 months. As of now, after everything I had been through for the past 7 months, I feel very drained emotionally and mentally wrecked. 5 months more until the Rat year arrives. Hopefully, my luck would be better in the Rat year...
PS: Although I don't wish to be so superstitious or pan-tang but from my experience, I sort of know that this kind of superstitions tend to be true, in fact, very true. So I rather believe it than to ignore it.

Hmmz...

this is pure madness but fun to know anyway... LOLx.

A Bit Of Sunshine After The Long Storm...

He has been treating me better since after his reservist. (Not sure if it is due to fact that he did miss me during his reservist too or is it because he finally realize that he has been 'ill-treating' me for the past 7mths.)
He has been quite sweet and loving towards me recently.
I am slightly happier now but yet worried on when the next thunderstorm will occur.
I am contented and basking in his love once again, savouring every single bit of sweetest from him.
I pray this sweetness will never end...

Why Don't He Understand?

He views missing him so much that I wish to rush home to faster meet him as childish.
He says I have delayed gratification just because I can't wait to see him as soon as possible.
He views me as being unreasonable just because I want him to home as soon as possible so that I could hug him, kiss him, check on his injured finger and have him back. However, he rather sends his friends home by cab and delay reaching home to an hour or more later.
He thinks I am a greed for his cab money and that I am such a miser that I want to save on cab money just because I want him to pick me up from KKH on the way back to Sengkang since he was at Clementi.
He says I am being petty for getting angry with him for spending his time on his friends instead of being with me.
He thinks that by paying for my movie and dinner expenses, plus cab to and fro is the best way to pacify me.
He says he has troubles understanding me and communicating with me after getting married.
He says he has troubles sharing the same air-con as me after getting married.
He says he doesn't like sharing bed with me when we sleep, so he sleeps the mattress while I sleep on the bed.
He says he doesn't want and has never harbour the thoughts of divorce but he has been keeping mentioning that word as his pep phrase whenever we quarrel.
He says he loves me but yet his friends are his first priority.
He says he misses me too but he prefers to spend his first hour after booking out from reservist with his friends than rushing home to meet me.
He thinks I am afraid of him divorcing me. He feels I would die without him in my life. However, he doesn't see my point that if I want, I can also opt for divorce but I choose not to because I still love him deeply.

I have already place all my chips in his gambling game of marriage. It seems the card that I am betting on seems to be going nowhere except to make me more and more confused day by day. Yet, I am still holding onto a miracle that one day this card would be turn into my 'golden egg'. I really missed those good days whereby we have so much happiness, love, joy and blissfulness despite all the arguements we had. I really wished for those days to return, however, I doubt he understands my love, commitment, trust and everything I have for him.
His brother told me to tahan him for a year. His mum says this year ain't a good year for the pig and goat, thus, I must grit my teeth hard if I love him enough to keep surviving all the bad luck as well as failures that has been installed for us this year. She says it is a hurdle that we have to cross together as husband and wife but instead, I am fighting this hurdle alone. I have already been trying my best for the past 7mths and yet, I see no improvements, instead, things are getting worst. I really don't wish for this marriage to end but I am also wondering where my threshold is? I am wondering when will I reach my limits and one day explode to have the guts to scream all these that I blog today and finally walk away fuming with anger. I feel like I am constantly pushed to my limits just because of the fact that I love him too much...