Can Anyone Explain L-O-V-E 2 Me

Brand New Year For New Resolutions

2007-12-31T14:23:00.000+08:00

This would be my last blog entry as I have decided not to blog anymore. Been quite tired 'maintaining' this blog wondering if anyone does really read my entries. Thus, goodbye blogging.
For those friends or people who are genuinely interested in my life and how I am getting along can drop me an email, call or even chat with me on msn...
Goodbye Bloggie! Cheers to a brand new year and hopefully I better brand new me!

Stairways To Heaven

2007-12-30T16:34:00.000+08:00

I am now addicted to a Korean drama serial called, Stairways To Heaven, on Channel U every Sunday 2-4pm. Found it to be very touching. Here's the storyline:
Five years later, Song Joo returns home to Seoul, South Korea to bring Jung Suh with him to America to study. Song Joo captures a glimpse of Jung Suh waving at him from afar. For a brief moment, Song Joo can almost touch his heaven. However, he arrives to Jung Suh's side too late. She's been killed - or so Yuri wants everyone to believe. Song Joo never gets over her death. Jung Suh isn't dead though however, she's alive but loses her memory. Her step brother, Tae Hwa, has decided to run away and hide Jung Suh away. He loves her so much that he couldn't have asked for a better gift that she doesn't remember he is her step brother. He lies to Jung Suh that she is his girl friend.

Another five years later, Song Joo returns to Seoul from America with Yuri (Jung Suh's step sister). Yuri is determined to make Song Joo marry her and will do anything for it to happen (yes, that included attempting to kill Jung Suh). Song Joo captures a glimpse of a girl who looks like Jung Suh in the mall. He can't believe his eyes and runs to find her. In his relentless search for this girl, he wonders if it is a ghost or if he's simply gone crazy. Her name is Kim Ji Soo (name given to her by Tae Hwa). She looks exactly like Jung Suh down to the very last detail. Song Joo refuses to let her out of his sight because he believes that it is Jung Suh.

Song Joo will do anything to try to make Kim Ji Soo remember if she is Jung Suh. In the meantime, he realizes maybe it really isn't her and he can't force her to believe she is someone for the sake of his good. Song Joo starts to fall in love with Kim Ji Soo the more he spends time with her. However, Tae Hwa and Yuri are determined to not let that happen. As the story progresses, Jung Suh regains her memory and remembers her love for Song Joo. She also remembers that Tae Hwa is her step brother and is enraged at him for lying to her all this time. Tae Hwa feels guilty for all the suffering he caused Jung Suh and decides to go back to loving her from afar, letting her go to the one she truly loves.

Jung Suh finds out that she is going blind and that she has eye cancer. Saddened, she does not want Song Joo to know because he will be sad that she will die. So Jung Suh lies to Song Joo that she is going back to Tae Hwa because Tae Hwa needs her. She wants Song Joo to remain her friend. Jung Suh, blind now, pours her heart to who she thinks is Tae Hwa, her true feelings for Song Joo. But she doesn't know that the entire time, it was Song Joo who she was talking to. Song Joo, crying so loud, falls to the floor knowing that his true love is going to die.

Song Joo marries Jung Suh. A sad Tae Hwa escorts Jung Suh down the stairs to the wedding. But he is happy that she is happy with her true love. At the wedding, the truth is revealed about Yuri's attempt to kill Jung Suh and the suffering she caused everyone. The step mother goes crazy and Yuri is arrested.

Song Joo wants to donate his eyes to Jung Suh but the doctors say they cannot accept donors who are still alive. Tae Hwa, with all his love, kills himself so that he can give his eyes to Jung Suh as his last gift to her. To give her happiness as she gave to him when he was alive.

Jung Suh finds out it was Tae Hwa who died so she could live and see again. However, the cancer had spread to her brain that she would die eventually. Song Joo, who loves Jung Suh so much, can't bare the thought of losing her again. In the end, by the beach Song Joo and Jung Suh walk to the end of the road. Jung Suh walks step by step into Heaven and will wait to meet her true love Song Joo again.

Song Joo plays a song on the piano to send to Jung Suh in Heaven. He screams, "Jung Suh, are you well? Jung Suh...."

Such touching love story...

She's Back!!!

2007-12-27T19:08:00.000+08:00

After 10days of returning back to China for some exams, she is back! Yes, my sister in law is back and back with lots of stuff from her home. I would dare to say, she moved her whole room or house back with her. All her electrical appliances, clothes, ornaments and barang-barangs in bags and bags of them. Looks like she is really moving in for good. Wonder when their marriage would be?

In 4 days, 2007 would be gone and 2008 would be coming... Used to dread 2007 coming and guess I had my reasons to dread it as whatever I had dread all happened in 2007. Thus, I am kind of glad that 2007 is going to over soon but what life would be 2008 would also be a big question mark. Just hope that 2008 would be a better year for me, my close friends, my family, my in law's family and lastly, my husband as well. If asked what joyfully memorable event that I remembered in 2007, I would say none because this year was a painful hell of torture for me, many hateful events has happened, my life was greatly affected and my emotions were on a roller coaster ride.
All the best for 2008.

TAURUS:
General Forecast- Grounded and practical Taurus will experience extra boosts of optimism and find time to bring creative projects to the forefront, this year. Your personal needs will be met the more you tune into your spiritual side, and your growth will be directly connected with your ability to accept your deep philosophical transformation. You will continue to work out how you can use your creative side to improve your finances.

Methodically organizing your perceptions as they come to you will enhance your career. Weighing choices carefully as they arise before making decisions will be very important, this year. Take advantage of this expansive time and act upon your desire to enroll in new classes. You could greatly benefit by finishing that degree or get that certificate you've been working on. Likewise, educational trips and romantic vacations exploring different philosophies and arts will give you insight and help you jumpstart your projects and articulate new ideas. You derive nourishment and balance taking sojourns to the mountains or lakeside retreats. You will also benefit by sharing the creative wisdom you have acquired, and see results as your ideas are folded into mainstream values.

This is a good time to follow that urge to express your deep inner changes in your personal growth and publish or write your own books. You enjoy sharing your musical talents, and creating a new musical piece is a very strong possibility. You can be very successful in expressing your higher principles, whether it is work related or community oriented. Expect monetary returns when you put your ideas into practice.

Love- This could be a good year for you to settle down in a stable relationship. Birth of a child in the family is likely for many Tarureans. Social life will be enjoyable and there will be lot of festivities in the family due to various auspicious events materializing for various members of your family much to your delight and satisfaction.

Career- You will spend most of this year exercising your creativity and helping others, which will bring you great financial rewards and success. A high-minded and productive energy will focus your emotional sensitivity to the needs of your co-workers and associates. Your expansive ideas will serve humanity in a bigger way through understanding your own basic needs. You find, as you channel your creative talents, you easily come upon opportunities to be of service to others.

You need to continually work on clearly communicating and promoting your ideas and surrounding yourself with a team of people to support them. You are a hard worker and expect others to help and do their share. With all of these gifts, a position or power or promotion is likely. In this leadership position, you will find a platform for teaching others how to succeed. By the end of the year, all of these changes will lead to the financial rewards you seek, leaving you in a much more secure financial position.

Health- You will generally enjoy good health. However, you should be more careful while driving vehicles, or handling machinery during the summer months. Those above 50 years should watch their weight and strive to keep their vital physiological statistics (blood pressure, weight, heart-rate, etc.) within the normal range by regular walk and regulated diet.

Important periods in the year 2008
Best periods for travel in 2008: May 2008, August 2008, December 2008.
Best periods for Romance, family matters in 2008: 24th May 2008 to 18th June 2008, 6th August 2008 to 30th August 2008, 24th September 2008 to 18th October 2008.
Best periods for new ventures: January 2008, February 2008, August 2008, December 2008.

My Ultimate Gamble

2007-12-23T16:21:00.000+08:00

Today, in state of anger and full enraged, I made a gamble with God. Yes, just days before Christmas, instead of rejoicing on Jesus's birth, I made a gamble with God. I somehow know that I would be the ultimate loser even if He loses the gamble. But I am very sure and definete that I would to take this gamble with Him.
I had enough of sadness, roller coaster rides, false happiness and lack of my own personal needs that He has provided and shown me. I am sick and tired of living on His world with His rules in His ideas and own arrangements for me. I know He is the Almighty One who is the ultimate ruler of each and every of our lives. I know He was the one sacrificed his son, Jesus, to die on the cross for our sins. But I have once heard, even God ain't perfect! I used to defend my God with whenever someone tries to argue with me on my religion but this time, I feel, see and even agree that God ain't perfect too. He has made a mistake on me, fooled me, created an error with my life.
Thus, as I am typing this blog entry, I am still stubborn and hard headed to gamhle with Him. Should I win or lose, by CNY, I will know the answer!
I am not going to reveal what I gambled with Him on and on what will determine that I win or lose... Only He and I will know...
I just hope I win this gamble... But somehow, I know I have already lost...

Random Blog Post ; Random Blog

2007-12-21T23:09:00.001+08:00

I was scouring the net randomly and found this post on a random blog site of someone's marriage blog. Interesting and somewhat true (reminds me of my marriage cum BGR relationship):

What have I learnt from 2 years of marriage?

1) We may fight and quarrel, but we still make up.
2) The bed is greener on the wife's side.
3) What's the fuss we hear about toilet seat? It takes a second to it flip up/down.
4) I may have paid for the CableTV subscription but the wife owns the remote control.
5) It is okay (so far!) to play computer games so long as the wife is kept occupied/entertained.
6) Vacuuming and mopping the home is worth the trade-off to escape ironing and washing socks.
7) Don't become too good at cooking instant mee. It becomes your speciality and responsibility.
8) If the wife is quiet and not talking, it means she is unhappy with you.
9) I take longer to get ready than her.
10) She's got 101 horrible things to say about me but fortunately I'm the blog owner. :)

Painting...

2007-12-20T13:14:00.000+08:00

Art or Vandalism? It is all up to you, my dedicated blog readers to decide...

Alvin & The Chipmunks

2007-12-16T17:34:00.000+08:00

Watched the show last night and it brought back some childhood memories of the cartoon that I used to watch after doing my homework at my granny's house. Theodore, is the cute, shy chipmunk. Simon, the clever one but has to wears spectacles to see properly and Alvin, the mischevious one who is always getting into troubles... Heehee... Nice show...

ROM Bells Ringing Soon

2007-12-13T19:28:00.000+08:00

No, I am not getting my wedding vows renewed. It is the bells of my brother in law and that china woman's ROM soon. I had overheard the conversation between them and my god-father in law last evening when I attended the latter's birthday celebration. My brother in law was asking my god-father in law how to ROM when the the woman is still under student pass in Singapore and the registry do not allowed marriage for anyone holding a student pass. That was when the woman brought out her China passport, China identity card and Singapore student pass for my god-father in law to help her find ways to getting ROM. My god-father in law used to work in ICA (Immigration and Checkpoint Authority) before he retired.

Moreover, the woman is already spotting a 0.3 carat diamond ring on her left hand, fourth finger. So looks like there would be another joyous occasion next year. Not sure it is a blessing in disguise that customary wedding has been postponed to 10 May 2009 instead of 2008, otherwise, clash (chong) together how?

Anyway, my in laws are getting used to her existence already. They are no longer grumbling about another extra person in the household as they were when she first moved in. I am also gradually getting used to another woman in the household and seeing her colourful bra & panties, sexy night gown and clothes hanging around.

I am actually not sure if I should be happy for my brother in law that he has found himself love again or should I be sad that this woman may not be the right woman for him as from her swift and hurried action to get married as well as to move in asap, most people can tell that she may not be getting married for love but for PR or something else. Yet, I know I should not jump to conclusion that she is that kind of woman just because most of the China woman are like that. I know it ain't fair but I feel her actions and everything is like a tell-tale sign. Let's just hope that I have judged her wrongly and that she is really in love with my brother in law genuinely.

By the way, I am currently slight deaf in my Right ear due to some problems with my Eustachian tube. It blocked due my tonsilitis infection last week. I really sometimes wonder why I am full of different problems even when I am on my multi-vitamins and Vit C pills. Haiz...

New Beginnings

2007-12-10T17:43:00.000+08:00

Today is the day whereby I decided to not be so biased against her anymore. I guess I will try to live with her in harmony instead of trying to find fault with her due to different brought up and different living cultures. Thus, I just wish for every couple in this family to be happy and stay together forever in harmony.
The reason for this sudden change is due the fact that I did some pondering on my own while I was doing the laundry and saw her lingerie hanging on the kitchen window. Instead of feeling pissed and disgusted, I decided to hang her lingerie together with my own clothes that I had washed. The words of my dad came to my mind that she was probably bring up in such a way to hang her clothes as well as lingerie which ever place that the sun shines. After all, it is true, she is from Da Lian, a remote village. That explains her weird behaviour and lifestyle. My mum in law also had to teach her how to use the washing machine instead of letting her clothes drip dry indoors.
Anyway, I believe she must have her good points for my brother in law to be smitten by her. She ain't pretty and doesn't have a good figure, hence, it must be this inner beauty that my brother in law loves her for. Perhaps it is her simplicity. Perhaps is her gentle and 撒娇voice that is soothing to his ears. Well, beauty does lies in the eyes of its beholder. Take me for an example, people also may question my husband why did he in the first fall in love with me and even decide to marry me despite all my wilful and unreasonable character?
Well, I just wish every couple I know well, including myself. I wish everyone will 有情人终成眷属.

PS: Congrats to my 'mei-mei' CW for getting herself attached. Praying for you too to be 有情人终成眷属 soon. LOLx!

My 2nd Piece Of Art In GCC

2007-12-07T22:01:00.000+08:00

Hopefully this pretty scene would cheer up by cancer patients who receive their chemotherapy. It made up of Styrofoam and cotton balls... Tomorrow I got to return to back to GCC to complete the Christmas decorations by drawing Mr Santa and to help set up the Xmas tree.
Would be clearing my annual leave on 10th & 11th December then 17-21 December. Anyone free to date me for Starbucks or shopping for CNY clothes as I still lack a pants/jeans, lingerie and a pair of ear rings...

Xmas Tree Decorations

2007-12-05T21:38:00.000+08:00

For the past 2 weeks, I have been busy at GCC setting up the Christmas decoration and the hardest to make a Christmas tree out of recycled materials for a competetion. So after all the hard work and brain cracking, this is the final product. Nice?

Post Deleted

2007-12-03T07:45:00.001+08:00

Deleted the whole post.
Looking forward a harmonious living with her.
Don't wish anyone to be offended or be stuck in between my dislike and her.
Will learn to live with her flaws and live in peace with her under one roof.

Life Of A Strong Cancer Survivor

2007-11-27T20:39:00.000+08:00

http://www.wearewonderwomen.com/blog/

Wish every of my patients will be so optimistic and cheerful as her!
God bless these people... May they don't suffer so much...

What Makes A Good Husband?

2007-11-22T19:07:00.000+08:00

Question: Anyone know how to define what is a good husband?

Answer: (read to find out) Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
[ 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian' ]
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??' His son replies, 'Oh THAT...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married !'
Broken Coffee Table - $239.99
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Two Aspirins - $0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

Tiring Day

2007-11-17T22:40:00.000+08:00

Had Starbucks coffee with my dad in the morning and finally, the yearly & my favourite Mint Java-chip Fraccupino is back!!! Hooray!!! Better savour it more often before I have to wait until next year Christmas to re-taste it again. Anyone wants to volunteer to accompany me?? (But coffee not on me, eh... Keke!)

Proceeded to pick my cousin and granny out for an afternoon of fun down Lim Chu Kang area. We visited all these places in one afternoon:
1) Goat Farm
2) Bull-frog Farm (picture)
3) 4 Fish Farms, including the famous Qian Hu Fish Farm

Had to take care of my 4 year old cousin who was busy running around and asking many questions. I was so worried of her dropping into the fish pond, or getting her finger bitten by the meat-eating fish, or falling down on the wet and slippery floors, or getting her hand nibbled by the goat and lastly, not washing her hands after feeding the goats and fishes. Kids are cute and their innocence never fails to amaze me but they are stressful as well as tiring to handle. Haha... Luckily, her 8 year old brother was not around to follow us, otherwise, twice the worry and stress!

Severe Deprivation

2007-11-15T19:35:00.000+08:00

I am...
starved
deprived
depressed
upset

I wish for a better and healthier married life!!!!!!!!!!!!
*sigh*

1.5yrs Later...

2007-11-10T23:59:00.000+08:00

Celebrate our 1.5yrs of ROM at Yue Club down Clarke Quay after a dinner treat from my uncle. *Clink* A toast to our 1.5yrs of marriage and many more years to come...

Finding More About Myself Each Day

2007-11-08T14:38:00.000+08:00

I Am A Compassionate Carer

You value love and relationships

People are your priority. You know that the key to happiness is in the people around you and your relationships with them. You may be spiritual, and you will find that investing your time and energy into friends and family will bring you happiness in life.

My own comments: Unfortunately, I feel that not all people around me are/were worth my time and energy, thus, I have already abandoned those who were not worthy of my time, energy and heart. For those worth, I will continue to treasure the friendship and relationship that you have provide, hopefully not to be let down anymore...

Personality Disorder...

2007-11-05T14:34:00.000+08:00

My personalDNA Report:
About You:
You are a Dreamer
Your combination of abstract thinking, appreciation of beauty, and cautiousness makes you a DREAMER.
You often imagine how things could be better, and you have very specific visions of this different future.
Beauty and style are important to you, and you have a discerning eye when it comes to how things look.
Although you often think more broadly, you prefer comfort to adventure, choosing to stay within the boundaries of your current situation.
Your preferences for artistic works are very refined, although you vastly prefer some types and styles to others.
Though your dreams are quite vivid, you are cautious in following up on them.
You are aware of both your positive and negative qualities, so that your ego doesn't get in your way.
A sense of vulnerability sometimes holds you back, stifling your creative tendencies.
You tend to do things on the spur of the moment, not sticking to a set schedule.
You tend to believe that things happen for a reason, and that not everything is under our control.

If you want to be different:
Your imagination is a wonderful asset, but don't just dream—be bold enough to take action and explore new things!
Consider a wider range of details and possibilities when thinking about the present and the future—don't be too set in your ways.

How you relate to others:
You are Advocating
Being social, empathic, and understanding makes you ADVOCATING.
Some people find being around others exhausting—but not you! You are energized by spending time with friends, and you are good at meeting new people.
One of the reasons you enjoy conversation as much as you do is that you often learn about yourself while talking things out with a friend; you realize things about your own beliefs while discussing them with others.
You have insight into what others are thinking and feeling. This ability allows you to be happy for others, and to commiserate when something has gone wrong for them.
You are highly compassionate, and being conscious of how things affect those close to you leaves you cautious about trusting others too hastily.
Despite these reservations, you are open-minded when it comes to your worldview; you don't look to impose your ways on others.
Your sensitivity towards others' plights contributes to an understanding—both intellectual and emotional—of many different perspectives.
As someone who understands the complexities of the world around you, you are reluctant to pass judgments.

If you want to be different:
While it's important to think about others, don't forget to take some time for yourself, and occassionally to put yourself first.
Take some time to spend with a few close friends; although it's difficult to find people to trust, it's worth the effort.
When you have great ideas, it can be hard to relinquish control, but it can also feel good to take the pressure off and enjoy someone else leading the way.

Anyone Care For Some Abalone?

2007-11-04T13:21:00.000+08:00

As I opened a can of abalone that has been left in the shelf since CNY, my mind was wondering what actually is an abalone and why it is considered a delicacy? I decided to do my own searching via the Internet while chewing and savouring the abalone.

The picture on the top shows a raw dead abalone after it has been removed from its shell. The picture at the side shows the abalone being alive. Look at the difference! When I saw the picture of the abalone as an alive sea creature, I almost puked out the abalone that I was chewing in my mouth. What a world of difference! When I showed my dad the picture of the abalone, he said it looks like a virus, all hairy and black. I agreed.

Anyway, here is some interesting facts of what an abalone is (happy reading):

In the animal kingdom, abalone belong to the phylum Mollusca, a group which includes clams, scallops, sea slugs, octopuses and squid. Mollusks are world wide and predominantly marine. They have a soft body surrounded by a mantle, an anterior head and a large muscular foot. Mollusks are best known for their beautifully formed and colored calcareous shell secreted by the mantle.
The abalone join other snails, whelks and sea slugs in the class Gastropoda. Members of this class have one shell, as opposed to clams with two, (or the shell may be lacking altogether, as in the sea slugs). The spiral structure, so common in snail shells, is flattened in the abalone and may be obscured by fouling and shell boring organisms. Abalone are members of the family Haliotidae and the genus haliotis, which means sea ear, referring to the flattened shape of the shell. The name abalone is probably derived from the Spanish-American word aulon or aulone.

The most conspicuous part of any abalone is the shell, with its row of respiratory pores. Shells are prized because of their inner, iridescent layer. The muscular foot has a strong suction power permitting the abalone to clamp tightly to rocky surfaces. A column of shell muscle attaches the body to its shell. The mantle circles the foot as does the epipodium, a sensory structure and extension of the foot which bears tentacles. The epipodium projects beyond the shell edge in the living animal. The epipodium surface may be smooth or pebbly in appearance and its edge may be frilly or scalloped. It is the most reliable structure for identifying abalone species.
The internal organs are arranged around the foot and under the shell. The most conspicuous organ, the crescent-shaped gonad, is gray or green in females and cream colored in males. It extends around the side opposite the pores and to the rear of the abalone. The abalone has a pair of eyes, a mouth and an enlarged pair of tentacles. Inside the mouth is a long, file-like tongue called the radula, which scrapes algal matter to a size that can be ingested.The gill chamber is next to the mouth and under the respiratory pores. Water is drawn in under the edge of the shell, and then flows over the gills and out the pores. Waste and reproductive products are carried out in the flow of water. Since it has no obvious brain structure, the abalone is considered to be a primitive animal. However, it does have a heart on its left side and blood flows through the arteries, sinuses and veins, assisted by the surrounding tissues and muscles.

Anyone still game for abalone after this? I won't mind... Haha...

Love Me For Who I Am & What I Am

2007-11-02T12:56:00.000+08:00

If you loved me, you'd be there for me
To help me do the things I want to do.
My whole life wouldn't be only for you,
Nor would my love determine who you'd be.

I want you to respect what I do well,
To share the joy I feel when I succeed,
To give me the encouragement I need,
To be my wings, not my protective shell.

I love you, and I want you to be mine,
But I would never say you're not allowed
To be a person who would make me proud,
To step outside into your own sunshine

2nd PoD

2007-10-31T11:12:00.000+08:00

Living in pain for the past 2 days... The pain is worst than PMS pain... It is I can't differentiate from chest pain or operation pain...
Opened up my wound for the first time since my operation day and saw the ugly scar... No stitches, just a cut oozing with haemo-serous fluid. Haiz... One more scar to add on to my painful memories.
However, no matter how ugly I look, I would not want to go for any plastic surgery to enhance or hide the scars. I want to be natural and real. I rather be full of scar than to go for anything fake. Never enjoyed fakeness... Be it in looks or character. I feel one should be real under all circumstances and not be fake just to secure a friendship or to be with the one who love, only to reveal the bad side after everything has been secured.
I shall just have to gradually accept my new 'flaw' and hopefully he will also accept this new 'flaw'. Praying that this 'flaw' would not change my character to be someone with less security or low self esteem. At least even if I have low self esteem, I can boldly say to everyone that I am not a fake person... Thank God for that!

11hrs Post GA

2007-10-29T20:00:00.000+08:00

* blur
*giddy
*brain-blocked
*drowsy
* tired
* pain

PS: those who are curious on how my fibroadenoma looks like, let me know and I will send the pix you as I don't wish cause any faint-hearted people to collapse immediately or get nightmare after seeing the pix... So do let me know if anyone is interested in seeing it but make sure you don't throw up, faint or get nightmare after seeing it. Muah-ha-ha...

Last Post Pre Op

2007-10-28T16:20:00.000+08:00

The noisy goose that I took when I went to the animal farm at Pasir Ris in the morning...

Countdown: 16hrs more...

Just came back from attending Shuting's wedding about an hour ago. Nice wedding... Romantic and sweet just like all weddings (almost moved me to tears, as usual). Pretty bride too!!! Reminded me of my ROM day... Reminded me that I am lucky too to have my hubby by my side for the past 1+ year even though we had gone through major hiccups since the start of the year.

Last post before I go for my operation... So wish me all the luck I need... My husband would be going with me to support and encourage me. Hopefully all goes well and I can recover soon...

PS: Met Kyreen at Shuting's wedding, she seemed pretty cold towards me, so since she is cold, why should I be warm right? Anyway, she looked so different from how she looked when I last saw her in May, prettier and fairer I guess...

KKH Dinner & Dance

2007-10-21T01:06:00.000+08:00

Venue: Swissotel

Date: 20 Oct 2007

Time: 6.30pm - 11.15pm

Won nothing @ the lucky draw :(

10 Days More

2007-10-19T22:58:00.000+08:00

1) Signed my medisave claim form
2) Went to 'survey' the Day Surgery department
3) KKH Dinner and Dance tomorrow evening... Can't decide what to wear...

Anyway... my latest song craze:
First time
That I saw your eyes
Boy you looked right through me, mmmhmm

Played it cool
But I knew you knew
That cupid hit me, mmm mmm

You got me trippin, stumbling, flippin, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
You got me slippin, tumbling, sinking, crumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love

So in love with you
can't help it
The girl can't help it

Can't breathe
When you touch my sleeve
Butterflies so crazy, mmm mmm

Whoa now?
think I'm goin down
Friends don't know whats with me, mmm mmm

You got me trippin, stumbling, flippin, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
You got me slippin, tumbling, sinking, crumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love

So in love with you
can't help it
The girl can't help it

You know, this ain't the first time this has happened to me
This love sick thing
I like serious relationships and uh
A girl like me dont stay single for long
Cuz everytime a boyfriend and I break up
My world is crushed and I'm all alone
The love bug crawls right back up and bites me and I'm back

can't help it
The girl can't help it

You got me trippin, stumbling, flippin, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
You got me slippin, tumbling, sinking, crumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
So in love with you
Clumsy cuz I'm falling in love
You got me slippin, tumbling, sinking, crumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love

So in love with you
So in love with you
So in love with you

*reminds me when I fell in love with him... kekeke...

14 days Countdown

2007-10-15T22:18:00.000+08:00

Watched Resident Evil today. Rating: ***

Summary Of Last Weekends To Friday

2007-10-13T02:23:00.000+08:00

Saturday:
- woke up with slight running nose
- went out with my dad in the morning to buy 4 fighter fishes ( 3 females for myself and 1 male which is his) (Females: blue, pink, red ; Male: purple)
- went out in the afternoon with my dad again to get some of his stuff around town area
- went out with my granny, parents and aunties to a Japanese restaurant at Bukit Timah for buffet dinner ( SGD 30+++ per person)
- running nose got worst

Sunday:
- woke up with blocked nose and honking my nose away
- knew I was sick already
- took anti-histamines to lessen the flu effects but no use

Monday:
- fell ill with bad flu
- was given 2 days of MC to rest
- informed my manager and she sounded unhappy (duh, like how many managers/bosses will be more sympathetic towards their staff for being sick instead of being unhappy with their staff?)
- conked out for the whole late morning until early evening after taking piriton, fedac, anarex, dhasedyl and amoxicillin

Tuesday:
- still on MC
- felt slightly better enough to meet my insurance agent for lunch at Sakae Sushi and chamomile tea at Starbucks
- had a 'sexy' and husky voice (like shit!)

Wednesday:
- back to work
- my manager sarcastically commented that the MC I had taken was very long
- my manager refused to talk nicely to me and even ignored me

Thursday:
* read previous post*

Friday:
- my manager tried to avoid me whenever she could
- was told indirectly to get my flu vaccine done by next Monday
- came back home to have realize that 1 of my fighter fish had killed another fighter fish (Haiz, what to do? guess the pink fish must be 'jealous' of the red one and fought.)
- now suffering insomnia again... so here I am typing away in the early morning hours of Saturday)

Countdown: 18 Days More

2007-10-11T21:10:00.000+08:00

1) Signed my consent today at last.
2) Realized that I need not do financial counselling as I have already found out the pricing of the operation.
3) Informed that I could do without all those pre-admission blood test, Chest X-ray and stuff as the operation SHOULD be relatively safe as I was still young.
4) Double confirmed my operation date (29 Oct 2007)
5) Attended course

True

2007-10-07T13:57:00.000+08:00

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me
You might think I don't look
But deep inside the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
mmmm
I'm weak, it's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster
[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true
You don't know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move
I'm weak, it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?
[Chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true
I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true
[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

PS: Should I die during my operation, can someone please tell my husband that I love him...

Counting Down... 27 Days More To Dooms Day

2007-10-02T20:06:00.000+08:00

Went for my breast surgeon review with regards to my breast lump. I went for it with an optimistic feeling that it would nothing more than a fibroadenoma which could be left alone until it gives me furthur problem. But NO! I was wrong, Dr Tan YY told me that it has a 5-7% chance of it being malignant (aka cancerous). Thus, her suggestion was to do biopsy to get it tested to check if it is malignant or benign... I had to choose between 3 options: core-biopsy, vacuum biopsy or open biopsy.
After much thinking, discussion with Baku and many second opinions from my GCC doctors & colleagues, I have decided to go with open biopsy as I would really like to get this lump over and done with. Scary but I had to make the decision somehow...
Wish me all the luck I need...

On a happier note, I did 'volunteer work' for my patient, who was too weak after her chemotherapy to get her white blood cell booster jab done at KKH. Hence, I went to her house after work today to give her the jab.... She was quite appreciative of my effort and somehow, I feel better emotionally after chatting with her. Must do more of such charity work often... It somehow helps to alleviate your mood...

Life Has Its Highs & Lows

2007-10-01T20:47:00.000+08:00

Today, I...
1) recieved my confirmation letter! (I am an official staff of KKH.)
2) ate hairy crab. ( I went to NTUC and so I bought them for a treat for my Mum & Dad -In Law.)

Tomorrow, I...
1) would be seeing my breast specialist for her opinion on what I should do about the breast lump aka adenofibroma.
2) would be very busy in my clinic doing LEEP and running Dr Lee IW session clinic...

BCLS...

2007-09-27T20:25:00.001+08:00

My hard earned BCLS certificate. Waited nearly a month before receiving it...

MeaNinGFuL Lyrics.. CuRRent MoOd...

2007-09-26T19:15:00.000+08:00

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But Ive got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

I won't give up, I won't give in.

I can't recreate what just might have been.

I know that my heart is broken in two.

Now is the time to begin.
Roll away the chains.

Let love fly away.

Till love comes again,

I'll be okay.
Can't hold on forever baby,

Can't hold on forever baby,

I'll be okay.

PS: Goodbye Isabel and all the best to you in Brisbane!

Life...

2007-09-22T10:37:00.000+08:00

My mood and marriage life for the past 7 months has been like...
a) a long, dreaded roller coaster ride (at times fun and enjoyable yet at times upsetting as well as depressing.)
b) share/stock market (sky high profit but can also drop dead low without warning.)
Wonder when will all these will resolve...

Significant events this week:
Monday- had a tiff yet again with him. I am too tired and upset to elaborate any furthur. (Don't want to rake up the past anymore to spoil my weekend mood.)
Tuesday- went to see a breast doctor (found a breast lump last week) and was told it is most likely fibroadnenoma. May need surgery.
Thursday- did my skit audition with my colleagues for the Quality Service Week to be held in KK on the 10 Oct but guess we didn't get through the auditions as we didn't receive any good news thereafter.
Friday- got commented by a patient's idiotic husband that I am fat and the reason being is that I enjoy sitting at the desk in my chemotherapy. He made that comment because I attended his wife when the terumo pump was beeping, indicating that her chemotherapy has ended. But I was sitting at the desk as I was writing my casenotes and preparing to send the casenotes to be send to another department via porter. Thus, I was sitting down arranging to all these. Then, he said I was growing fatter and asked me to exercise more as he thinks I had put on weight since he last saw me which was last months (in fact, I lost 1 kg recently). So pissed off.

Anyway, I am happy for my mei-mei in Australia that she seems happier now and she even became her own radio DJ. Haha, congrats!

Pondering Question...

2007-09-14T22:41:00.000+08:00

Amelia: Do you find me pretty?
Jeff: So-so.
Amelia: Then why did you fall in love with me in the first place?
Jeff: It is the past and I don't want to mention it anymore.
Amelia: Eh? Why? You regret is it?
Jeff: No. Just that I don't feel like mentioning the past anymore.
Amelia: *speechless*

Q1) what does he mean when he says that he doesn't want to mention the past anymore?
Q2) does he really regret being with me and marrying me? (i don't wish to know the answer for the fear that the truth would hurt.)
Q3) is it a mistake that he made to have married me and be my husband?

These few days, just when things looked a bit better for the both of us, this has to pop up. It was just a casual question posted by me to him and his answer has left me pondering...
Anyway, I passed my probation and got my confirmation appraisal today. Hope to reach my next goal of being able to furthur studies being fully sponsored soon...

He Remembered...

2007-09-10T20:46:00.000+08:00

Finally after so long, he remembers that it was our anniversary. Been a long time since he has given me an anniversary hug to wish me 'Happy X Months Anniversary'. Haiz... for once after so long I have felt this warm and blissful feeling...
Today, also marks the last day of the Hungry Ghost Festival. Kind of a relief for me as my MIL had told me that during this Hungry Ghost month, my luck would be the worst and all kinds of bad stuff will likely happen to me. (All thanks to my birth year of the pig.) So far, I have already gone through lots of unhappy stuff since the start the Pig year (according to the lunar calendar) and I have survived the 7 months. As of now, after everything I had been through for the past 7 months, I feel very drained emotionally and mentally wrecked. 5 months more until the Rat year arrives. Hopefully, my luck would be better in the Rat year...
PS: Although I don't wish to be so superstitious or pan-tang but from my experience, I sort of know that this kind of superstitions tend to be true, in fact, very true. So I rather believe it than to ignore it.

Hmmz...

2007-09-08T11:57:00.000+08:00

this is pure madness but fun to know anyway... LOLx.

A Bit Of Sunshine After The Long Storm...

2007-09-05T19:44:00.000+08:00

He has been treating me better since after his reservist. (Not sure if it is due to fact that he did miss me during his reservist too or is it because he finally realize that he has been 'ill-treating' me for the past 7mths.)
He has been quite sweet and loving towards me recently.
I am slightly happier now but yet worried on when the next thunderstorm will occur.
I am contented and basking in his love once again, savouring every single bit of sweetest from him.
I pray this sweetness will never end...

Why Don't He Understand?

2007-09-01T15:43:00.000+08:00

He views missing him so much that I wish to rush home to faster meet him as childish.
He says I have delayed gratification just because I can't wait to see him as soon as possible.
He views me as being unreasonable just because I want him to home as soon as possible so that I could hug him, kiss him, check on his injured finger and have him back. However, he rather sends his friends home by cab and delay reaching home to an hour or more later.
He thinks I am a greed for his cab money and that I am such a miser that I want to save on cab money just because I want him to pick me up from KKH on the way back to Sengkang since he was at Clementi.
He says I am being petty for getting angry with him for spending his time on his friends instead of being with me.
He thinks that by paying for my movie and dinner expenses, plus cab to and fro is the best way to pacify me.
He says he has troubles understanding me and communicating with me after getting married.
He says he has troubles sharing the same air-con as me after getting married.
He says he doesn't like sharing bed with me when we sleep, so he sleeps the mattress while I sleep on the bed.
He says he doesn't want and has never harbour the thoughts of divorce but he has been keeping mentioning that word as his pep phrase whenever we quarrel.
He says he loves me but yet his friends are his first priority.
He says he misses me too but he prefers to spend his first hour after booking out from reservist with his friends than rushing home to meet me.
He thinks I am afraid of him divorcing me. He feels I would die without him in my life. However, he doesn't see my point that if I want, I can also opt for divorce but I choose not to because I still love him deeply.

I have already place all my chips in his gambling game of marriage. It seems the card that I am betting on seems to be going nowhere except to make me more and more confused day by day. Yet, I am still holding onto a miracle that one day this card would be turn into my 'golden egg'. I really missed those good days whereby we have so much happiness, love, joy and blissfulness despite all the arguements we had. I really wished for those days to return, however, I doubt he understands my love, commitment, trust and everything I have for him.
His brother told me to tahan him for a year. His mum says this year ain't a good year for the pig and goat, thus, I must grit my teeth hard if I love him enough to keep surviving all the bad luck as well as failures that has been installed for us this year. She says it is a hurdle that we have to cross together as husband and wife but instead, I am fighting this hurdle alone. I have already been trying my best for the past 7mths and yet, I see no improvements, instead, things are getting worst. I really don't wish for this marriage to end but I am also wondering where my threshold is? I am wondering when will I reach my limits and one day explode to have the guts to scream all these that I blog today and finally walk away fuming with anger. I feel like I am constantly pushed to my limits just because of the fact that I love him too much...

Uploads Of Video & Pix

2007-08-27T21:32:00.000+08:00

These two videos were filmed on last Thursday when my mum in law went down for her folk and line dance classes. Very fun to see them dance, very chaotic with all the wrong moves or unnatural moves.

Just uploaded my Saturday outing pictures at my multiply webby... Go check them out:

http://mintger.multiply.com/photos/album/29/Trip_To_Botanical_Garden

I miss my Baku who is serving the nation and suffering in the midst of the jungle now...

What If...

2007-08-24T21:33:00.000+08:00

One of my friend is currently undergoing divorce after being unhappily married for the past 2-3 years. When I heard it, I was full of pity and my heart went out to her because I know going through a divorce is a very heart-wrenching, painful, long and expensive process. However, she said she is happier as well as looking forward to her divorce to be finalize. She also said her life would be better off without her soon to be ex-husband.
Now I am admiring her for his determining spirit, strength as well as toughness to be willing to make the decision to leave her unhappy marriage behind and move on with her life. When asked how about her son, she replies confidently that she bring him up to be someone unlike his father. Such amazing confidence!
It makes me wonder, what if one day, I fall into the same shoes as her... Would I be able to take it as strongly head on? Would I be able to muster the same strength as her? Would I be able to accept this fate so freely? Would I maintain the same positive outlook as her? Or would I crumble into pieces and dare not to face this harsh reality?
Guess I would most likely be unable to stand up and face a pending divorce if it happens and my marriage failing. I know I would unable to take the another case of getting my heart and trust broken. Although, my heart is nearly broken currently, at least I can still say I am married and MAYBE my husband still loves me. However, if the scenario of divorce happens to me, I think I would sink into great depression and be able to stand up confidently again. Not that I don't have the money to fight for my divorce. Not that I am fearful of divorce due to pride or family upbringing issues. Not that I am unwilling to go through the long painful process of divorce. The fact is that I still have feelings of love for my husband no matter how upset I am with him and my marriage since Feb this year...
I am not as strong as people make me. I am not as carefree and 'happy go lucky' as what others think of me. I am actually very soft, pessimistic, fragile, vulnerable and easily depressed...

Desperate!!!

2007-08-19T10:48:00.001+08:00

I am desperate for a break away all these past months of suffering.
I am desperate for the old him.
I am desperate for a miracle to improve my marriage.
I am desperate for a sign from him to know that I am safe and that he still loves me.

Help!

Found It

2007-08-12T16:03:00.001+08:00

Finally I found the song I have been looking for. My first encounter with this song was when I was attending one of the marriage lectures held at CHC. Although I don't really know the lyric but from the first time I heard this song, it brought tears to my eyes. This song just somehow touches my raw nerve. I simply love this song. Hope one day to find the lyrics to this song.

http://saren-teo.imeem.com/music/l2NLNTxF/first/

Love Hurts When You Fall In Love With The Wrong Person

2007-08-11T13:20:00.000+08:00

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in
It's all over me
I'm lying here in the dark
I'm watching you sleep, it hurts a lot
& all I know is
You've got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

All I wanted was to know I'm safe
Don't want to lose the love I've found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don't let me down
It's not fair how you are
I can't be complete, can you give me more?
& all I know is
You got to give me everything& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me
We can't escape the love
Give me everything that you have& all I know is
You got to give me everything& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

(Give you everything)
(Give you all of me)

10 August 2007

2007-08-10T23:36:00.000+08:00

And I hate how much I love you boy
I can't stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so
Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right
But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong

1yr and 3mths today... as usual, he forgot...
Went out for coffee with Rachael and it was nice to reminise on the good old school days when we were back in TPSS enjoying our youths. Wild, young and awfully innocent to the working woes... It is all fun and O- Levels for us back then... Who knows that 8 years later, we would be married and she would be someone's mummy soon. Lol... Cool!

Such Bliss Will Never Happen To Me Again

2007-08-03T21:21:00.000+08:00

You don't regret for what you have done to destroy my princess bliss life.
You don't regret for making me upset and ruining my blissful married life.
You don't regret for causing my world to stop and crumble months ago.
You don't regret for shaking my confidence of a stable marriage to you.

You believed that I deserved it.

I agree that I had done you wrong first.
I agree that I had made you disappointed in me first.
I agree that I had betrayed you first.
I agree that I had made you lose trust in me first.

I am willing to lay down my pride and admit that I am regretful... But are you regretful? You are not.

I know that I may not be the best wife a man wants
I know that I may not be the prettiest woman a man can wish for
I know that I may not be the most ideal woman a man desires
I know that I may not be the gentlest woman a man request for

But you know that I will stand by you through thick and thin... However, I don't think you do treasure and cherish my love for you.

Maybe you will know it when the time is ripe and perhaps by then, it would be too late...

Invisible Target

2007-07-29T00:01:00.000+08:00

In the show, Nicholas Tse's side view resembles someone I know who used to have a goatie... Too bad I can't find the picture of the side view, thus, have to make do with this black and white front view.

Anyway, nice show... Long though for a chinese film...

So Sick...

2007-07-28T23:09:00.000+08:00

I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishin'
You were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs
So sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
You said you loved me
Why aint you here?
Leave me alone
Stupid love songs
Don't make me think about his smile

Love ain't here anymore
Love ain't here anymore
It's gone away, to a town called yesterday
Love ain't here anymore

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

I feel the agonizing pain
As it tears my heart apart
It seems it will never end
Living inside for eternity
Will it ever end?
Wise men say that time
Is the physician of a broken heart
But the scars that are left behind
Are there forever
For me to feel, again and again

When You Say You Love Me

2007-07-25T19:48:00.000+08:00

You laugh like you're really entertained
And you smile like it's your favorite game
I know everybody here wants to hold you
I know what it's like, 'cause I feel the same
When you look in my eyes, there's a part of me that's still afraid
And when you say you love me do you mean it?
Should I believe the magic in your eyes?
I will wait until the end of time
To hear you say you love me like you mean it
All I wanna do it make you mine
I've been hurt way too many times
And I know that the timings not right
It's not that I don't really like the attention
Are you really sincere?
Is this just something that you do?
Again and again and again
I've been hurt my friend till the end
You know I've been high I've been low
I got no place left to go
Again and again and again will this search ever end?
And when you say you love me do you mean it?
Should I believe the magic in your eyes?
I will wait until the end of time
To hear you say you love me, do you mean it?
Come on baby say you love me

I believed you, but you lied
I gave you my love and trust
In the end, you changed
I sacrificed my future to be with you
Now you have ruined you
I made a gamble to be happy with you
Now I have lost this game
I was fooled yet again by you
Yet I am still foolishly in love with you,
Willing to wait for the day to come
That I'll see and feel the same bliss from you
Till the day I die

1 Month Old (Updated On 19/7)

2007-07-18T20:31:00.000+08:00

Today marks:
1) 1 month in KKH as SN I
2) OAS course has ended, back to GCC tomorrow
3) Recieved my first appreciation gift from a patient who completed her chemotherapy. I had only rendered my service to her twice and she remembered me. She bought 3 table top flower arrangements (as shown) for the 3 chemotherapy nurse and my preceptor told me about me. I am so touched that someone's life has been better under my care. It's these small gestures that patients make that makes me melt as well as feel less frustrated with the stress and set-backs of being a nurse.

4) Baku bought me CK Summer as a surprise gift last night. So nice of him to have bought it for me knowing that I simply love the smell of its every version since it was created from 2004 but yet always never bought it. Thank you so much, Baku. Thanks for being proud of me and 'rewarding' me with this gift.

Nice Lyrics... By Darren Hayes

2007-07-17T21:18:00.000+08:00

I know I can be a little stubborn sometimes
I must say, a little righteous and too proud
I just want to find a way to compromise
'Cause I believe that we can work things out

I thought I had all the answers
Never giving in
But baby I was wrong
I admit that I was wrong

All I know is I'm lost without you
I'm not gonna lie
How am I gonna be strong without you
I need you by my side
And if we ever said we'll never be together
and we ended it with goodbye
I don't know what I'd do
You know I've been lost without you

I keep trying to find my way
but all I know is
Im lost without you
I keep trying to face the day
I'm lost without you

How am I ever gonna get rid of these blues?
Baby i'm so lonely all the time
Everywhere I go I get so confused
You know that you're the only thing that's on my mind

Oh my bed's so cold at night
I miss you more each day
Only you can make it right
No I'm not too proud to say

All I know is I'm lost without you
I'm not gonna lie
How am I gonna be strong without you
I need you by my side
If we ever said we'll never be together
and we ended with goodbye
I don't know what I'd do
You know I've been lost without you

I keep trying to find my way
And all I know isI'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the day
I'm lost without you
If I could only hold you now
Make the pain just go away
Can't stop the tears from running down my face

Oh

All I know is I'm lost without you
I'm not gonna lie
How am I gonna be strong without you
I need you by my side
If we ever said we'll never be together
and we ended with goodbye
I don't know what I'd do
You know I've been lost without you

Simple

2007-07-12T21:43:00.000+08:00

Changed my blog layout to something simple.
New me... wants to be down to earth and no more living in my own dreamland as if I am a princess and have already given up hope on becoming one in the future. No matter how and what I become, I will forever be not blessed to being treated like a princess. I will never be respected in his eyes, I will always be this sickly woman who would take mc at the slightest discomfort, I will forever be looked down upon by him and he will have ruling over my life and my happiness.
Whatever! I totally surrender and acknowledge my ill fate...

10 July 2007

2007-07-10T20:25:00.000+08:00

1) He forgot again as usual or perhaps simply boh chup already, but I remembered and still do care about it.
2) I feel like a total incompetent SN... A skill that I used to practice in SGH has been lost and I need that skill to pass my probation at KKH.
3) CW is again troubled with BGR issues... Poor girl...

Bitter Rants

2007-07-07T11:41:00.000+08:00

It is weird that I should also digested the facts that I would be having my customary wedding held in 2009 instead of 2008, however, guess I have not succeeded in it although I have been calmly telling others that my customary wedding would be in 2009. Everytime, I see or get reminded any weddings, I would feel very upset and bitter deep down in my heart. Not upset or bitter for the couple getting married, but more of for myself. I seem to feel like I am being rejected and not of marriageable material. I mean if he really loves me so much, wouldn't he want me to be his wife as soon as possible, afterall, the downpayment for our wedding package for bridal studio has been paid... He says his studies are in the way but we have already discussed that issue even before he started his studies and he did say it wouldn't hinder us in anyway. Now it did! Trying to be positive and understand towards him but deep down, I feel otherwise. Haiz...just hope 10 May 2009 would be the final date and no more postponing of it. I can't take anymore negative changes...
People say the first 5 years of marriage is hard, my marriage is only 1 year old, still long way to go. Pray that we will survive the hardship until our hair turns grey or white.
Anyway, on a more cheery note, I bought myself a new handphone on Thursday. Sony Ericsson 810i. Cost about nearly SGD 500. Luckily, the government gave the GST offset package in time to cover some of the cost. Heehee... It is nice and I have been aiming it since last month when it first came out.

Visit To Goat Farm

2007-07-02T19:32:00.000+08:00

My visit to the Goat Farm at Lim Chu Kang on Saturday with my dad, 2 cousins and grandmother...

Current Song That I Like

2007-07-01T23:59:00.000+08:00

風走在我門前面甩裙擺畫著圓圈

花美得興高採烈那香味有點陰險

你在我旁邊的旁邊但影子卻肩碰肩

偷看一眼你的唇邊是不是也有笑意明顯

明明是昨天的事情怎麼今天我還在經歷

一丁點回憶都能驚天又動地

想問個愚蠢問題我們再這樣下去

你猜會走到哪裡?

但請你不要太快解開還沉默的情話

就讓我多著急一下再終於得到解答

太容易的愛不是就不耐人回味啦

像這樣觸電就夠我快樂融化

我們就耐心培養萌芽不要急著開花

反正有長長的日記等我們去填滿他

在被全世界發現以前先愉快裝傻

就這樣觸電一直甜蜜觸電直到爆炸

像一年四個季節都被你變成夏天

我才會在你面前總是被晒紅了臉

像一百萬個秋千在我心裡面叛變

被你指尖碰到隻將我瞬間就被蕩到天邊

Life In KKH

2007-06-28T20:28:00.000+08:00

My Latest Craze... Sour But Nice

Myself at work in the Chemotherapy Room.

So far, I am happy at work. Learnt much and been feeling very much a part of the GCC 'family'. Blend in pretty well but have yet to really touch the chemotherapy part of my job. The manager says she will allow me to do so once she feels I am ready. Completed my venepuncture checklist yesterday quite smoothly.
Got my pay check from Northern Hope today: so miserable... not as much as I thought it would be.
=(

1st Week At KKH

2007-06-23T12:27:00.000+08:00

Been neglecting the internet since I started working at KKH. This is due to the fact I work from 8.30am-6pm from Monday to Friday. Thus, I wake up at 7am and get home at around 7pm. By the time I reach back, I am too tired to go online to surf. So the moment I reach back home, I would rather eat dinner and laze around watching TV. Heehee, very lazy hor?
Anyway, the work load is quite hectic but fun interacting with those aunties who get cancer. They gave me a very different perspective to having cancer. I had always had this thinking that those with cancer are a depressive lot of people and I have to ve extra sensitive towards their needs. However, these aunties aren't as depressed as I thought and they often joke with you too. They are also very positive about the chemotherapy. Although the chemotherapy hours are long, they make use of the time to chit chat as well as share knowledge with one another on what to eat, how to go out without others knowing that they have cancer, what to do to kill time while at home, etc... I also learn a lot of stuff from them also.
The stuff I also have to do is also overwhelming, especially when I have no experience in chemotherapy and no oncology training. The drugs all seem kind of foreign to me. The protocols are also a handful... So stressful...
Now down with tonsillitis and just recovered from fever yesterday. Wanted to work but my body just gave way to the fever making me so weak. There goes my one day of pay. So sad... Pray that I won't fall sick anymore. Always be religiously taking all the cooling stuff and vitamin C, still can fall sick. Haiz...

KKH Life Starts Tomorrow!!!

2007-06-17T20:40:00.000+08:00

Beginning a new life in KKH from tomorrow onwards. Lots of uncertainities, anxiety and feeling kind of excited as well as dreading too. When I went down to collect my uniform last week, I dropped by the clinic and witness the chaotic as well as busy life of the clinic. Kind of unsure if I would be able to adapt back to such hectic life again... Wish me well...
On the lighter side of things, Baku and I went to Cathy Cineleisure to watch "Fantastic 4- Rise Of The Silver Surfer". Nice story line, a bit of comedy and romance all in one. Not as bad and as dreadful as I imagined it to be.

Something I Stumbled On...

2007-06-16T23:58:00.000+08:00

Your Birthdate: May 12

You are certain and confident when you choose to love someone.
Even though your romantic choices may be unconventional - you stand behind them.
Your friends never know you as well as a romantic partner does.

Number of True Loves You'll Have: 4

Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 1

You are most compatible with people born on the 3rd, 12th, 21st, and 30th of the month.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

Hmmz, 4 true loves that I have... Quite true!
Badly heartbroken once... Yes, weirdly true...
But Baku ain't born on the 3rd, 12th, 21st or 30th of the month... How? Die lah!

3 days Left

2007-06-14T09:07:00.000+08:00

3 days left in Northern Hope... this past week has been crazy at Northern Hope. Busy to the maximum...
5 days left to go KKH... collecting my uniforms later... going to KKH leaves me with mixed emotions... Happy yet upset that I am leaving Northern Hope... Excited yet uncertain if I am making the right choice...

The feeling of missing someone is like an ocean that never ends
It finally meets up with the sky at the horizon
If our love has been continuing long enough, we shall see happiness too
The promises you gave seem like butterflies
It is flies beautifully, and then vanished after circling
But I believe the promises you gave me
Will like spring that always comes
I am always bringing the smile of your love with me
I will continue searching for the beauty that I’ve lost along the way
When tears have accidentally fallen down the corner of the mouth
I’ll wipe it off using my hand which you’ve held before
I never stop my journey even if there are more sceneries
I look only for the beauty that I’ve lost
Some people can’t tell how good it is
But no one can substitute it
In beginning, from the very first second
Some things are meant to go on forever
Although fate loves play jokes on us
The true heart will meet up with true heart
I am always bringing the smile of your love with me
I am searching for the beauty that I’ve lost along the way
When tears have accidentally fallen down the corner of the mouth
I’ll wipe it off using my hand which you’ve held before ...

10 June 2007

2007-06-10T21:16:00.000+08:00

10 June 2007:
-One year and one month anniversary (he forgot, i remember)
- 6 days more in Northern Hope
- 8 days more to KKH
- 5 days more to someone's birthday (cannot be bothered though)
- Went shopping at Suntec and Marina Square
- Bought 2 jeans at SGD 19 each (G.S.S, of course low prices!)
- Totally spent around SGD 90 on 1 Hello Kitty handphone accessory, 2 pair jeans, dinner at Kenny Rogers, mint ice cream from Ben & Jerry, java chip fraccuppino at Starbucks and cab home.

触电

2007-06-09T21:05:00.000+08:00

风走在我们前面
甩裙摆画著圆圈花美得兴高采烈
那香味有点阴险你在我旁边的旁边
但影子却肩碰肩偷看一眼
你的唇边是不是也有笑意明显
明明是昨天的事情
怎麼今天我还在经历
一丁点回忆都能惊天又动地
想问个愚蠢问题
我们再这样下去你猜会走到哪里
但请你不要太快揭开还沉默的情话
先让我多著急一下再终於等到解答
太容易的爱故事就不耐人回味啦像
这样触电就够我快乐熔化
我们就耐心培养萌芽不要急著开花
反正有长长的日记等我们去填满它
在被全世界发现以前先愉快装傻
就这样触电一直甜蜜触电直到爆炸
像一年四个季节都被你变成夏天我才会在你面前
总是被晒红了脸像一百万个秋千
在我心里面叛变被你指尖碰到指尖
我瞬间就被荡到天边

Sinking Into Depression

2007-06-07T13:37:00.001+08:00

I feel so miserable... Help!
I think I am sinking into depression soon... Help!

Losing It

2007-06-06T22:31:00.000+08:00

Today, something he did to jolt me back to reality that I really am losing grip and control over him as well as his personal life. I realized that I am such a failure to myself to be deceiving myself that he and I would be able to share every single secrets of our life. Guess I was wrong...
Not that I want be a over-ruling or possessiveness wife. But when we were still in the BGR stage, we had no secrets, nothing hidden from each other... I even know his bank PIN, account number, how much assets he has.
Today, I realized that he is much richer than his past self and I was thought he was still the poor chap who has no secret hidden from me... No, I was wrong... I thought I knew everything about him and his life... No, I was wrong... I thought as his wife, he had the rights to know my assets as much as I know his... No, I was wrong... Dead wrong!
Today, I learn a big lesson. From now, I will lead my own personal stuff, keep my own secrets, shut him out of my private life, be more selfish and self-centred. I would be forced to be someone liked my mother. More individualistic, more stronger. I wouldn't be so silly to presume that he is the same person that I had married one year ago. I wouldn't be hoping for him to share his secret life with me anymore. I shall be more defensive, more protective of myself, more wiser... So sad... Things had to end up this way... Looks like there is more to learn day by day. Maybe I will learn until one day I realize that I am numb towards him and I don't love him anymore. *sigh*

Counting Down...

2007-06-03T00:16:00.000+08:00

14 days left in Northern Hope...
16 days more before I start new job, new setting, new expectations and new stuff to learn.
Currently for the past few days been trying to read through my lecture notes to refresh my memories on what was learnt in school. Haha, somemore that time the module was not an examination topic, so was kind so slack with it. Thanks goodness have some experience when I was in SGH.
Next week would be the farewell BBQ that would held at my house...
Wish I would blog more stuff, but my brain is now affected by the Procodin I had taken half an hour ago for my cough... Haha... brain 80% shut down...

Say You Love Me - MYMP

2007-05-31T14:58:00.000+08:00

Don't you know that I want to be more that just your friend
Holding hands is fine
But I've got better things on my mind
You know it could happen
If you'd only see me in a different light
Baby when we finally get together
You will see that I was right

Say you love me
You know that it could be nice
If you'd only say you love me
Don't treat me like I was ice
Please love me
I'll be yours and you'll be mine
If you'd only say you love me baby
Things would really work out fine

Don't you know that I want to be more that just your friend
Holding hands is fine
But I've got better things on my mind
You know it could happen
If you'd only see me in a different light
But baby when we finally get together
You will see that I was right

Say you love me
You know that it could be nice
If you'd only say you love me and don't treat me like I was ice
Oh please love me
I'll be yours and you'll be mine and if you'd only say you love me baby
Things would really work out fine

Say you love me
You know that it could be nice
If you'd only say you love me and don't treat me like I was ice oh
please love me I'll be yours and you'll be mine and if you'd only say you love me baby
Things would really work out fine and if you'd only say you love me darling
Things would really work out fine

21 Days More

2007-05-26T22:48:00.000+08:00

In another 21 days I am not longer a Northern Hope staff. I am supposed to be kind of upset and unwilling but guess what, after this whole week of shit I am experiencing, I am more than happy to go.
Everyone at work is very practical now. Work time, everyone is like friends. After work, gossips fly... Then, everyone all also very sian to work and no mood to work harder. It is understandable. Kavita has taken no pay leave until end of June (also means until Northern Hope closes), leaving Brenda the only clerk around to survive. Poor Brenda. Sharon is also very cold towards me, guess she knows I am leaving soon and need not to be so nice to me anymore. Nevermind, I am just tolerate this nonsense another 3 weeks more and I am out of there... Must leave gracefully...
I have also decided not to be nice to undeserving people too. Threw out an old friendship with someone who does not deserve my sincere friendship... Seen and learnt too much to maintain a bitch by my side...
Guess I am falling sick too. The flu bug is spreading to me... Guess it loves me too, that is why... LOL...

I Am Not Happy

2007-05-22T12:35:00.000+08:00

Did full shift yesterday and I vow that would be my last full shift done at Northern Hope. Not only it is mentally and physically draining, it also made me very highly stressed up. It also gave someone an excuse to take leave to go for her job interview last minute. All she needed to do is to inform my colleague in the morning and leave just both us to handle the whole clinic with nearly 20 over patients plus 3 doctors' sessions to run. Guess I was too stressed up until I had no appetite to eat my lunch as well as dinner, my mind was not working well making me unable to concentrate and my payment stuff didn't tally, so I had to fork out an extra SGD 10.70 from my pocket just to balance out the 'accounts'.

Sunday afternoon as I was taking my nap, I hallucinated and woke up feeling violated... That impacted me so badly that I woke up crying... I really and regret being foolish and silly when I was younger to have ruined my mental status. My folly got me into deep shit and a hard to get out situation. However, I am glad that it is over now after so long, but, I still can't recover mentally. Guess that event is too tramatising for me. It ruined almost my life entirely, it ruined my loving marriage with the guy I love so much.

My life just sucks now...

My Dreams... Fulfilled!

2007-05-17T10:06:00.000+08:00

Come 18 June 2007...I am finally stepping into my dream zone. God bless me while I am tread carefully in my dream zone.

1st Post As An 24 Years Old

2007-05-15T11:27:00.000+08:00

Been 3 days since I turned 24 already and I am starting to feel very old... A few things I would like to rant about for the past few days...

1) Northern Hope would not be providing compensation for its closing down. The excuse they gave was that they had given us ample notice of 2 months with regards to us closing down.
2) I didn't get the placement in Asia Medic. Sharon and Noelle had gotten the placement instead.
3) No one is allowed to take anymore furthur annual leaves until Northern Hope closes
4) I think I blew the chance in KKH. The HR department was supposed to call me yesterday to let me know the results but they didn't, so I called the HR department lady who had liasing for the interview for me instead. The answer I was given was that she had not recieve any news with regards to it and would get back to me by today latest... Today, half a day has gone by and no calls from her yet... Disappointing... My dreams all dashed...
5) I am dragging my feet to work daily. I am dreading going to work seeing everyone so low morale to work and perform, Recruit page of the newspaper lying over the counter, everyone using the computer in doctor's room to surf for jobs online and everyone whining that Northern Hope is No Hope.

I feel so blue... This year is really a bad year for me... One bad thing after another...

Happy Birthday To Myself

2007-05-12T10:42:00.000+08:00

Turned 24 officially around now as I was born 24 years ago around this time. No feelings of being 24 kicking in yet. Plans for today include staying home to rot until dinner time, then go out with my parents for dinner.
Wishes for birthday:
1) Good health
2) Everlasting marriage to Baku
3) Stable job at KKH

Anyway, Happy Birthday to Clarice, my mei mei, over at Melborne celebrating her birthday tomorrow...

10 May 2007 (1 Year Later...)

2007-05-10T21:39:00.000+08:00

After much stormy months... We finally made it through the first year after being married. Thank God... Praying for many more years to come... Praying very hard 'cause I really do treasure this marriage and love him too much...

Countdown: 2 days more before I age another year...

Countdown...

2007-05-08T22:11:00.000+08:00

2 days:

1) Happy birthday to Edwin (my meimei's close friend)

2) Happy 1yr ROM anniversary

4 days:

1) Happy birthday to myself, grow older again... :( More responsibilities, more problems, more troubles, more independent, more expectations and more obstacles but same old immature and childish me... Haiz!

5days:

1) Happy birthday to my meimei, Chung Woon. Hope you like the present that was flown over to you. Yes, older again...

Northern Hope, No Hope

2007-05-04T19:01:00.000+08:00

Just got the news today at 3pm that my company would be closing down by end of June and everyone would be out of job. It was announced by my company's medical director. He had called for a meeting last minute and solemnly informed us that the company ain't making much profit and the major shareholders are not going to pump in more capital. The investor whom my medical director had hope in had also decided withdraw after looking through our accounts. This shows the company is really not doing well at all.
Everyone who was present at the meeting was in state of shock. Although our medical director did mention there is another company called Asia Medic located in Orchard area, that is willing to take in few of our staff. However, deep down in my heart, I know that the priority will go to those older staff and those pregnant staff like Ivy and Kavita. Newbies like Noelle and me will have no hope in getting a placement there.
Looks like this year is really a bad luck year for me. First, my marriage life is hay-wired. Second, my wedding is called off. Thirdly, got someone had to ruin my friendship by saying something stupid out of anger and got her sister to call me a BIMBO. Now, such drastic news... It is not even half of 2007 gone and so many things has happened to dampened my mood daily.
SOS!

What Is Love???

2007-05-02T18:40:00.000+08:00

According to yahoo dictionary:
)A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2)A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
3)Sexual passion.
4)Sexual intercourse.
5)A love affair.
6)An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
7)A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
8)An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.
9)A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
10)The object of such an enthusiasm

Another random finding from the net:
Love is being happy for the other person when they are happy, being sad for the person when they are sad, being together in good times and being together in bad times.
Love is the source of strength.
Love is being honest with yourself at all times, being honest with the other person at all times, telling, listening, respecting the truth and never pretending.
Love is the source of reality.
Love is an understanding so complete that you feel as if you are a part of the other person, accepting the other person, just the way they are and not trying to change them to be something else.
Love is the source of unity
Love is the freedom to pursue your own desires while sharing your experiences with the other person, the growth of one individual along side of and together with the growth of another individual.
Love is the source of success.
Love is the excitement of planning things together, the excitement of doing things together. Love is the source of the future.
Love is the fury of the storm, the calm in the rainbow.
Love is the source of passion.
Love is giving and taking in a daily situation, being patient with each other's needs and desires.
Love is the source of sharing
Love is knowing that the other person will always be with you regardless of what happens, missing the other person when they are away but remaining near in heart at all times.
Love is the source of security.

According to the bible:
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, it is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in inquity, but rejoices in the truth; bear all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

In my opinion and own words:
Love is wanting to spend every minute and second with the other person.
Accepting his changes, accepting that he has matured, accepting that he ain't the same person as 6 years ago, accepting that I am no longer first priority in his life and accepting his mood swings.
Being contented with his daily dosage of cold attitude towards me. Being contented that at least he does acknowledge my presence. Being contented that at least he knows he has a wife, that me. Being contented that he is willing to share the same bed as me. Being contented that he still laugh with me and joke with me.
Seeing him happier than I am... Letting him be happier while I am hurting deep inside. Giving him the power to implement changes according to his own preference even though I feel it ain't for the better.
Watching him sleep peacefully, wanting to gently run my fingers through his hair and kissing him but yet, know better than to wake him up and get a scolding from him... Guess it is finally called fearful him.
Being a F.C.P by nature but yet been able to tone down to allow him to boss me around instead, being at his beck and call.
Sacrificing my own personal pride to allow him to gain his own personal ego.
Knowing that what ever I had and will sacrifice will not be appreciated by him but yet continue doing so just to see him happy, contented and smiling at me...
Finally understand what pain he had to go through for the past 6 years when I was a spolit girlfriend... Haiz...
Pains of love...

Mundane Life...

2007-04-30T23:08:00.000+08:00

Been a week since I last blogged...
Nothing interesting happened within this week, nothing fanciful for me to rant about, nothing for me to look forward to, nothing to be excited about and lastly nothing to stir up my blogging mood.
Still very much pondering with regards to the hymen surgery. Thinking of going for it, since I am not very much wanted anymore. Moreover, I guess it would help to improve my self-esteem somemore. Not too sure what the actual cost would be and if I am still repairable... Not all hymen tears can be repaired...
What else can I blog about??
Erm... that I am currently happy being half married and half single (all thanks to someone). Not sure if I should thank her for it or hate her for it. Well, in the bible says that we as christians should forgive and love our enemies. So well, I have forgiven but still can't bring myself to 'love' her. I guess I don't treat her as my enemy as much as she hates me. However, I would pretty much like to keep a safe distant away from such people. Can't imagine that what she had done towards me as what she called as in fit of anger to spite me. What if one day I made her more angry at me, I think she would murder me and then tell the world that she did it out of anger and frustrations because I had made her angry... Gosh, wouldn't want to keep a walking time bomb beside me as my friend. Too scary...
Countdown: 12 days more... and 13 days more for my 'mei-mei' in Australia...

Someone Tell Me I'm Crazy (Laser Hymenoplasty)

2007-04-23T22:17:00.000+08:00

The hymenoplasty will require a local anesthetic and no hospitalization; your doctor will use dissolvable stitches to reconnect the skin membrane that once partially covered the opening to the vagina. Recovery time is about six weeks; risks of infection and fever are very minimal. Subsequent intercourse will tear the membrane causing pain and bleeding. The surgery can cost as little as $1,800 and range all the way to $3000.
The hymenoplasty procedure is done under local anesthesic. While tissue dissection to prevent small blood vessels from bleeding, the areas which were torn is torn are removed. This is so that they will grow back together when they are approximated with stitches. Then after they are denuded, the edges are brought back together to reform the star-shaped "ring" as it was prior to relations, accident etc. It is made small enough, so that when first sexual relations occur later on, it will "tear" again, there will be some pain, and there will be bleeding.
Resumption of normal activity is immediate.

Should I? Or should I not?
I want to feel chaste again... and not so 'cheapskate'. I want a new life and chance again... I want to feel clean and pure again...

Rantings Of The Week...

2007-04-19T17:11:00.000+08:00

1) Wedding in 2008 is called off. (All thanks to some 'xiao ren' in my life!)
2) To Kyreen: I am not trying to be revengeful or being sarcastic, I just hope you will get what you truly deserve one day to understand the damage you had done. Don't bother to apologize and waste your saliva especially when you are not exactly sure why you are apologizing for. No use apologizing anyway. Damage has been done and it is totally unsalvagable. Anyway, thanks for the valuable lessons you have taught me in life. By the way, I do extend my forgive and forget theory to those who does deserve it and sad to say, you ain't worth it.
3) To Anqi: Thanks for speaking up for Kyreen. I understand where you are coming from but some people are worth forgiving especially those who knows and is willing to understand what theirs mistakes are as well as apologetic for the out-come that resulted from their mistake.
4) To CW: I truly hope you are happy doing what you do. Guess you finally had understand the effects of love. The confusion it will lead you in. Lol. Just indulge in whatever you have now and pray for you that he is sincere this time ok?
5) For those who knows what shit I have been through for the past months and have been there for me to comfort me and show me true sincere encouragements, I wish to extend my appreciation to you people for helping me get through this tough time. I have finally walked away from this obstacle, although badly wounded but still with a positive mind-set, hoping that things will get better as the days past. I also feel through these bad months, I have grown up mentally. Looks like the year of the pig is really a bad year for me, so I am also mentally prepared for the worst to happen within the next 10months (according to lunar calendar).
6) To Baku: I still love you as much as before. I will respect your decision and try to push away any negative thoughts of childishness. Since the day I ROMed with you, I have already made my decision to stay by you no matter what, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health till the day you reject me...

Reinforcements

2007-04-17T22:53:00.000+08:00

PIG
General:
This is a very unstable year for those born in the year of the Pig. It is best to keep a low profile and not to implement any major changes in your life. Although there is a lucky star shining at you to reduce the speed of a free fall in fortune, you will still need to be wary this year. Be careful in terms of safety. Do not compromise safety for convenience. Also, do not go into dark alleys.

Career:
Avoid changing jobs. Keep a low profile. Be polite and avoid any arguments. Tolerance is a virtue this year. Do not let others to push you into a corner.

Wealth:
Avoid investments. If you are in sales, there is a high likelihood to experience a low period. You will need to depend on Feng Shui or other items to increase your wealth luck.

Relationship:
If you are in a relationship, you will expect more quarrels and misunderstandings this year. If you are single, this is not a good year to rush into a relationship. Take some time to observe and focus other areas of your life.

Health:
Not good. You will be more prone to fall sick, be accident-prone and there may be signs of needing an operation.

People:
Avoid participating in any gossip corners. Remember to focus on yourself.

Action:
Place a lepidolite near you. Put a metallic pagoda in your wealth position. Carry a jade Pixiu

SHEEP
General:
This is a stable year for those who are born in the year of the Goat. You will be quite particular about having your own personal space. Hence, you may not like anybody to constantly demand attention from you. This year, you will find yourself attracted to the fields of philosophy, new age (tarot, meditation or alternative healing etc) or human behavior. It is good to keep a low profile because the general year luck is not especially good. You will not get a lot of support or assistance from others. This is not a good year to implement huge changes, especially anything that involves huge risk such as changing careers or setting up businesses.

Career :
Stay put. Avoid changing jobs and business expansion. Be conservative in any investment plans.

Wealth:
For those who are getting a stable income, it is good. However, it will be more challenging for those who depend on commission or sales.

Relationship:
There might be more quarrels or disputes between those who are already in relationships as there will be a strong desire to have your own personal space. You might want to do more things alone than with company. It is more difficult than previous years for those who are single to find the right partner.

Health:
Average. Be more cautious if there are elders at home. Elders at home are more prone to have health problems or being accident-prone. Look out for them.

People:
Though there is no significant increase of betrayals or backstabbings this year, do be careful of your own behavior. Do not be rude to others even when you wish to be left alone.

Action:
Put a metallic pagoda in your wealth area. Carry a jade Pixiu with you

Roller-Coaster Ride

2007-04-08T18:36:00.000+08:00

Guess I will stop blogging for a while. I feel like my emotions are on a roller-coaster ride, given all the false hopes. It seems like everytime when my feelings are elated and confident, something happens to make us argue real bad and make me feel totally depressed. But then, after a few days, he does or say something to make me trust him again that our marriage is back on stability and just when I start feeling good... The depressive cycle starts again...

Bought Sun Ho's album today. Nice collections of songs...

Baku turn 28 today. Happy Birthday... Although I am not sure what your birthday wish is, I do hope it is good and that your wish will come true... You are one step more matured, I am still in my early twenties, that is perhaps why it seems like we can't get along well anymore...

Dead

2007-04-06T19:24:00.000+08:00

Amelia is dead... emotionally drained...

From Me To Him

2007-04-03T20:28:00.000+08:00

Despite everything that has happened that has affect our marriage in one way or another, I still love you and have never regretted marrying you...
Despite that you have become a totally new person now, I still love you and have never regretted marrying you...
Despite the fact that miss the old you, I still love you and have never regretted marrying you...

I would just patiently wait for you to return back to your old self unless you tell me not to wait anymore...
I would stand by you while you try to return back to your old self unless you tell me that your heart is no longer with me...

Loving you always and forever...

Tattoo Done

2007-04-02T18:47:00.000+08:00

Finally, I had to ultimate guts to get myself to undergo the pain and process of tattooing A thought I had been contemplating for months. Expensive and painful ah... Got slight bleeding during the process also...
Yes, I am no longer what people say as broken eyebrow. I had my eyebrow tattoo-ed today after work. The process was took around 2 hours, including the shaping, plucking and tattooing. Although lignocaine cream was applied, I could still feel the stinging pain especially when it was at the top of the eyebrow. The pain was kind of bearable and not as bad as I thought. However, the stinging after-sensation is still present until now.
I have to go for the 2nd session in May for touch-up. Hopefully, the pain wouldn't be as bad as today. The tattoo is said to last me for 2-3yrs. Currently, the colour is very dark but according to the beautician, the color will slowly fade after 1 week to suit my skin colour. Hope so, don't want my endurance of pain and money to go to waste...

Just The Way You Are

2007-03-31T14:31:00.000+08:00

Don't go changing to try and please me,
You never let me down before.
And don't imagine you're too familiar,
And I don't see you anymore.

I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble,
We never could have come this far.
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times,
I'll take you just the way you are.

Don't go trying some new fashion.
Don't change the color of your hair.
You always have my unspoken passion,
Although I might not seem to care.

I don't want clever conversation,
I never want to work that hard.
I just want someone that I can talk to,
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be,
The same old someone that I knew.
What will it take till you believe in me,
The way that I believe in you?

I said I love you and that's forever,
And this I promise from the heart.
I could not love you any better,
I love you just the way you are.

I don't want clever conversation,
I never want to work that hard.
I just want someone that I can talk to,
I want you just the way you are.

I said I love you and that's forever,
And this I promise from the heart.
I could not love you any better,
I love you just the way you are.

I miss my old Baku who used to fetch me after work when I am do my PM shifts and accompany once in the while for breakfast when I am on AM shift. I miss my old Baku who had spoilt me rotten. Well, guess he has matured and has old grown all those sweet moments, thus, it is also time me to mature too and get used to it. *sigh* Afterall, we are coming to 24 and 28 years old, so, it is time we out-grow those sweet moments of young lovers.
As long as his heart stays to the true to me forever, I should be contented but I will always be a woman who needs constant reassurance and love... *sigh* Not sure if he will understands it and stop thinking that I don't trust me or that I am attention seeking...

Last Post Deleted

2007-03-28T11:22:00.000+08:00

My last post dated 27/03/2007 was deleted as I feel I was blogging with an extremely depressed mind set and had caused a lot of misunderstandings for those who cared for me. Thanks to those who called and sms-ed me (you know you who people are), thanks for the concern... Really do appreciate it.
Anyway, we had a good chat and realized the problems that lies between us and our marriage. We had already figured out what went wrong and we will fight together as a couple to overcome this hurdle together... Hopefully, the ending would be good and not just a temporary illusion again.
Praying that God would give us strength to overcome this hurdle...

Slight Glimpse Of Rainbow

2007-03-25T11:48:00.000+08:00

These 3 days, I could feel the difference in Baku's behaviour towards me. At least, I can see him putting in the effort to be nicer and trying to reconcile with me. Although, the actions seems small but it means a lot of difference to me. His hugs, kisses, holding hands and patience towards me had returned.

Not sure, if does read my blog, especially my entry on Thursday, as that was the day his coldness towards me has melted and I had felt his warmth. Thank God...

However, he is still unwilling to discuss any wedding plans yet. Nevertheless, I feel comforted that I am not losing him. Hopefully, he would fully return to his old self soon and we can start wedding plans...

I really do want to spend the rest of life, basking his love and loving him back...

Anyway, my place is under-going major renovations and my room would have a new queen size bed. Hopefully, the new renovations would improve the feng shui for the whole family. Hopefully, the new queen size will serve its purpose... For Baku and me... Guess it is my parents' way of giving their well-wishes, blessings to us as well as our marriage and showing that they had accepted the fact that I have found the right guy whom I would love for the rest of my life, spending the rest of my days with him and 'serving' him till the day I die.

Why?

2007-03-22T13:12:00.000+08:00

Been a while since I blogged, all thanks to my 'kaput' of my home computer and I am totally not used to a lappie without a mouse, Baku's computer also has no internet connection due to some errors in connections.
Anyway, I feel my relationship with Baku is still like a roller-coaster ride. He has his drastic mood swing, which I am trying my ultimate best to accommodate him. I am also trying hard to understand his frustrations at work and studies, not to forget he was unwell for the past few days. But I still feel very vexed that our relationship has not returned to the same level of blissfulness that I used to experience. All that manja-ness, fun, joking around, sweet cuddles and kisses are all gone.
I was speaking to parents on Monday night that our wedding may be postponed and their immediate reaction was to ask me if Jeff was the one having second thoughts. I was pretty hurt by their comments and it had set me wondering...
1) Why must the fault be with me?
2) Why can't I be the one having second thoughts?
3) Why is it the victim of the failed marriage is me?
4) Am I that bad that even my parents has to say that Jeff is the one who has second thoughts?
5) Why can't I be like other married couples and enjoy a happy married life?
6) Why do he have to changed so drastically until even his mum has given up advising him?
7) Am I really that unworthy to love, to cherish, to hold and to go through thick and thin, for sick and for poor, until the day we die?
I believed that ever since I had met Jeff, I have already changed my character, attitude was well as my personality for the better. I also firmly feel that I am a much better person compared to when I was 16 years old. I have learnt to mature over these years. I have reduced my possessiveness with Jeff.
I agree that I did something extremely foolish years ago, but now that matter has been settled and my marriage is greatly affected by it. I really can't comprehend, before my ROM, you knew of such folly and yet you were willing to accept it. After ROM, I have been very faithful and 'loyal' towards him but yet, I am suffering from such failure. He blames it on his mental status, he say that he feels mentally unstable, however, it ain't fair for me. He can't ventilate his anger on me, expect me to take it, pretend as if it doesn't hurt me when he pushes me aside whenever he deems fit and behaves like we are strangers rather than a married couple.
I really don't wish for us to head for a divorce, not because I am prideful on what my parents may say but because I really love you and don't wish to end our relationship in such a depressing way...
We also don't talk as we used to, whenever he or I call each other, we seem like we have nothing much to say to each other. The call ends within 3mins. *sigh*
I really miss those sweet times we had shared before. I really wish we could go back to those fond times soon. However, I guess it wouldn't happen again... Damn't!

3 Days To Go...

2007-03-18T11:17:00.000+08:00

Finally, on friday night, Baku's mum found out about the strain in our relationship. She was very upset and angry with Baku for being so temperamental as well as being so unfair towards me recently. She gave him a good lecture and luckily it did help a bit. At least, I felt I have ventilated my frustrations that I had bottled up for the past 1+ week. I feel that after the long lecture from his mum, Baku kind of 'woke' up, although he is still a bit temperamental however, it is better than the previous 1+ week. The result of everything is that we would try again to salvage this relationship and try to get back his old self again. We may even shift the wedding date to 10 May 2009 instead to lesser his financial stress.
I also finally caved in to my illness and took 2 days MC. Seem better today after 2 days of adequate rest. Hopefully, after my this illness I would not fall sick any more the rest of the year. This is like major illness to me as it lasted for over a week. So xin ku...
Celebrated my dad's birthday last night with dinner at White Sands and dessert at Ben's & Jerry. After that, Baku and I proceeded to watch 'Haunted School' at Century Square. The show wasn't even scary and had a poor plot compared to those Korean or Japanese horror shows. However, I was happy that Baku and I spend some time to de-stress after so long. He even stayed over my place last night. Good sign! But, I am not going to be so confident until we have regained the same blissful feeling of being loved, cared for and cherished by him. Wait until he has managed to return to the old him, then would I be truly happy and confident of the relationship and marriage...

6 Days More...

2007-03-15T22:22:00.000+08:00

1) Going on MC tomorrow, finally buay tahan and need a day off from work... Coughing for the past 1 week. Doctor said I have accumulated some pus behind my ear drum that is why my left ear is kind of blocked.
2) E-filed my income tax for the year of 2006. Doubt that I need to pay income tax this year as my total income for 2006 was below the 22k mark.
3) So far my progress with Baku is like a roller-coaster ride. One moment ok then next moment his temper over-takes him and he bursts out in anger. I have a hard time keeping up with his drastic changes in temper. Nevermind, 6 days more and he better give me a good answer...
4) CW called me last night and poor her... I wish I was there to defend her and be there for her to lend her my shoulders to cry on. Poor girl... That is the down-side of love. Wonder why people around me, especially those close to me are all suffering from heart-breaks and unhappiness related to love. Must be we, piglets have 'fan tai shui' for this year.

Ear Infection + Throat Infection

2007-03-13T20:03:00.000+08:00

1) Went to see a doctor and was told that I am seriously under invasion of bacteria, germs and virus. Diagnosed with sore throat, bad flu, cough and otitis media (middle ear infection).
2) Worked by a$$ off today. Not sure why these days I tend to screw up with the treadmill machine. Yesterday and today like totally have no 'link' with it, like eight characters mis-match. Didn't encounter problems with before.
3) Company under-going massive stock taking, thus, everyday must count and count...
4) Bought myself a Bonia wallet which cost around 100 bucks to cheer myself up. Been a long time since I bought myself a wallet already. Maybe around 2 years. The new wallet did lift my mood a little higher.
5) Official countdown: Baku has another 7 days to clear his thoughts... Wonder what the results would be and whether he would revert back to his old cheerful self. *Sigh* His mood are so unpredictable these days, same like Singapore weather...

9 Days Left

2007-03-12T22:18:00.000+08:00

1) Busy day at work although managed to dismiss early
2) Morning shift tomorrow
3) Stayed over at Baku's place last night
4) His mum suspected something fishy going on between Baku and me but I reassured her that we are fine... I lied.
5) Hopefully by 21 March 2007, I would be able to get the answer of truth from him although I know the truth would hurt.
6) Wishing that he would be back to his old self, as loving, jovial and doting towards me as well as a carry on smoothly with our wedding plans if he had made the decision to carry on the relationship with me.
7) Really miss his old self... *Sigh*

Day 4

2007-03-11T00:02:00.000+08:00

1) Busy day at work... Chaotic!
2) Met up with him at P.S and had Cafe Cartel for late lunch
3) Walked around and went back at around 5+pm
4) So freaking tired and napped for around 3hrs.
5) Evaluation of the day: I feel like we had de-graded from a married couple to like pa-toh couple. Not sure if it is a good sign or not.
6) Feel that this blog does serve a good purpose for ventilation as well as a means of pouring out my heart-felt thoughts.
7) Still coughing... maybe kanna PTB liao. Need isolation. Choy!

Day 3

2007-03-10T00:48:00.000+08:00

1) Met up with him and had an arguement again.
2) After the arguement managed to calm down and let him say his peace.
3) So blardy upset and disappointed that he needed more time to get himself back to normal.
4) Went out dinner with him, my treat!
5) Thereafter, spent time with Kyreen and what do you expect when you get two heart-broken females K-boxing? Sad love songs and tears... *sigh* Love does hurt...

10 March 2007: Happy 10mths ROM anniversary to myself. Guess he has either forgotten it or he just can't be bothered anymore afterall, he says he needs time to consider and get back his own self back. Thus, he won't be bothered about such love-dovey details.

Day 2

2007-03-09T00:01:00.000+08:00

1) Cough better but kind of feeling that I am getting tonsillitis
2) Work was busy
3) He called and we chatted like friends. He said he read my blog...
4) I feel like we are more like close friends than married couple. Don't even know if it is supposed to be good or bad.
5) Was kind of disappointed with myself for having my hopes held too high that he would come pick me up after work
6) Maybe meeting up with him tomorrow for a movie. Wonder how the day would go and if we would really meet up.
7) Kind of pessimisstic as the day goes by that I am going to be heart-broken by the end of the 14 days of time-out
8) I am such a failure when it comes to love matters
9) Everyone around me can't seem to cheer me up
10) I am living my day by day with a fake front, pretending that I am not affected by this time-out but deep down I am dreading it and hating it.

Day 1

2007-03-08T00:47:00.000+08:00

1) Do miss him but 'dare' not call or sms him (so lang bei)
2) Comforted that at least he did call to ask about my fever and sore throat
3) Felt better that my fever subsided and sore throat improved. However, cough worsen...
4) Learnt more about IPLs, Micro-diamond abrasion and usage of the dermatological machine.
5) Worried about him going out Daniel to drink again. (bad for his health)
6) Feel like I am losing control of him
7) Feel like I am losing him
8) Had fun with Kyreen after work
9) Uncertain of the future of my marriage (haiz...)
10) Wish that certains things didn't crop up to make me lose him... (kek sim)

Slightly Relieved

2007-03-07T10:18:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, few stuff had made my mood slight elevated:
1) I manage to dig out a big stone out of my heart, had to toughen up my courage to face the issue and thankfully, managed to tackle a problem that should have been tackled 2-3 years back. It was my then immatured thinking that had stopped me from tackling it. Anyway, finally it has been resolved. Hopefully, no one would ever bring it again or attempt to open this history again.
2) Sharon had gave me my confirmation that I had passed my probation. She was even 'impresssed' with my effort to carry out what she needed me to do in order to be confirmed.
3) With my confirmation, came a pay rise of SGD 150. However, please don't get jealous of me, as my pay is still less than 2k. So well, no need to be so envious.
4) Baku and I had a good talk last night after nearly 1 week of daily dose of angry words thrown at each other, with no arguements or quarrelling. Maybe because of my sore throat that I had no mood to fight back much. Also partially, I decided to let him say his peace so that I could understand his struggles as well as troubles. Let him ventilate it all out instead of bottling it up. Guess, he needs it. Anyway, I have agreed to his conditions of time-out for the next 2weeks.
5) Had a fever of 38 degrees last night which lasted until 4am this morning, as I was at Baku's place, he did his part to give me Panadol and made sure I was alright. From his various actions of concern, I am kind of relieved that he still bothers about my well-being. At least, I can comfort myself that he still has feelings for me.

There was a major earthquake yesterday in Sumatra that affected Singapore too. From the news, few areas in Singapore felt the tremors of the earthquake. The death toll of Sumatra is also raising. It may sound like it is none of my concern since the death is in Sumatra and that no one was hurt in Singapore. However, I beg to differ as in my opinion it is perhaps God's way of reminding us to treasure the ones around us especially those you love so dearly. It can also be God reminding that He would be taking this earth back as there are too many inhumane things happening: terrorism, wars, suicidal bombings, etc...

Sunshine Far Away

2007-03-05T11:30:00.000+08:00

The ray of sunshine is so bleak
No genuine smile on my face these days
Waking up everyday to see dark gloomy clouds
However, still pretending I am in high spirits
Need to clear some mess
Hopefully after it has been cleared for good, life would be better

Tears Of Sadness

2007-03-02T08:37:00.000+08:00

Cried myself to sleep last night. Heart aching sadness. Despaired and helpless... Wonder how long will this episode last. It is only Day 1.
How many more sleepless lonely will I have to bear?
I have to force myself to happy. But deep down I am so depressed...
Self destruction and blood seems so tempting to me, but no, I have to more matured. No more childish thoughts. But how can I be strong when I am weak by nature...
Painful. Shattered.